- Everybody has one, a dark secret, a life-altering story,
or an emotional cross they carry though life, often silently. Some of these
crosses are not difficult to carry, others are unbearable. Sometimes we
can lighten a person's load by simply listening.
-
- Bob - not his real name - is a man I trust with my life
every time we respond to a fire/rescue situation. On this particular day,
after this particular fire and for no particular reason, Bob decides, for
whatever reason, to share a portion of his past.
-
- Our conversation meanders aimlessly from topic to topic
-- with little eye contact -- until I ask Bob why he joined the fire department.
He looks at me intensely and asks, "Why did you join?" I feel
the question is fair enough and proceed to answer.
-
- "Well, I guess I want to help folks when they need
it most. Also, there is no doubt that excitement comes with this job and
everyone can use a little of that." Bob smiles slightly saying, "That's
for sure." His stare shifts to a callus he is picking on his palm,
he pauses while sitting back in his chair -- his hands grip the arm rests.
Bob looks somewhat uncomfortable - his stare falling somewhere out the
window.
-
- "I joined to pay a debt . . . you know, sort of,
a . . . pay-back."
-
- "How do you mean?" I ask.
-
- Bob shifts uncomfortably in his chair as he moves his
stare to the floor. "I used to be a train engineer - had almost 30
years, in." Bob starts to pick at his palm again, his chin quivers
as he speaks. "Do you know how long it takes a train traveling at
forty miles per hour to stop?"
-
- "No, I don't Bob."
-
- "It took me a half mile that day." Tears flow
from Bob's eyes - he keeps staring.
-
- "You write, don't you?"
-
- "Yes, Bob." "Well then, take notes, I
won't repeat this."
-
- "Okay Bob, go ahead."
-
- "We were coming into a small town with an un-gated
crossing. I gave the usual blasts on the horn . . . Why do people, do
such stupid things? Especially with kids in the car?" Bob starts to
cry. "A mother and her friend tried to beat the train - they had 3
kiddies in the back seat. I lay on the horn and locked up everything I
had. My partner is slammed into the control panel. Jesus . . . we hit them
broad side!" Bob cries uncontrollably.
-
- "Bob, you don't have to tell me this." Bob
holds his hand up suggesting he is okay. I wait a few moments then Bob
continues.
-
- "I thought we'd never stop . . . the screeching
is deafening . . . I jump from the engine and run to the car . . . the
driver and passenger are dead. I look in the back. Oh, dear God! Kids!"
Once again Bob sobs uncontrollably. "They look like they are sleeping,
no blood, nothing . . . I can't wake them. Everything after that is a blur
- my partner pulling me away, me yelling to the emergency people to please
wake the kids." Bob folds his arms over his abdomen and rocks. "When
I went to work that morning, I never dreamed that I would kill 5 people.
I still feel rage toward that mother for what she did to those kids, me,
us all. I quit that day -- never returned."
-
- I stand placing my hand on Bob's shoulder. "You
never killed anyone that day Bob - the situation did, the train, not you."
Bob nods affirmatively. "Yea, I guess." He replies in a soft
uncertain voice.
-
- "Have you had, counseling?"
-
- "More than you'll ever know. I think about that
day, every day. I can't get it out of my mind. The only difference is that
I got to say it today. Now you know why I joined." Bob wipes his eyes
with the sleeve of his overalls.
-
- I asked him one last question: "Did you join thinking
that every life you save is somehow paying back a life that was lost that
day?"
-
- Bob looks at me through tear-filled eyes. "Yes,
I guess so. No one will lose their life on this department or any situation
we respond to - not if I can help it."
-
- Bob clears his troat and stands. "Let's go and clean
those hoses and get 'em rolled."
-
- "Sure, sounds good, Bob."
-
- As we walk, Bob places his arm around my shoulder and
thanks me for taking the time to listen. "Thanks for taking the
time and lending an ear, Mac."
-
- Any time Bob, any time.
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