- That the more helpless you are, the safer you are from
- That you should give a mugger your wallet, because he
doesn't really want to shoot you and he'll let you go, but that you should
give him your wallet, because he'll shoot you if you don't.
- That Washington DC's low murder rate of 69 per 100,000
is due to gun control, and Indianapolis' high murder rate of 9 per 100,000
is attributable to the lack of gun control.
- That "NYPD Blue" and "Miami Vice"
- That an intruder will be incapacitated by tear gas or
oven spray, but if shot with a .44 Magnum will get angry and kill you.
- That firearms in the hands of private citizens are the
gravest threat to world peace, and China, Pakistan and Korea can be trusted
with nuclear weapons.
- That Charlton Heston as president of the NRA is a shill
who should be ignored, but Michael Douglas as a representative of Handgun
Control, Inc. is an ambassador for peace who is entitled to an audience
at the UN arms control summit.
- That ordinary people, in the presence of guns, turn into
slaughtering butchers, and revert to normal when the weapon is removed.
- That the New England Journal of Medicine is filled with
expert advice about guns, just like Guns and Ammo has some excellent treatises
on heart surgery.
- That one should consult an automotive engineer for safer
seat belts, a civil engineer for a better bridge, a surgeon for spinal
paralysis, a computer programmer for Y2K problems, and Sarah Brady for
- That the "right of the people peaceably to assemble,"
the "right of the people to be secure in their homes," "enumerations
herein of certain rights shall not be construed to disparage others retained
by the people," "The powers not delegated herein are reserved
to the states respectively, and to the people," refer to individuals,
but "the right of the people to keep and bear arms" refers to
- That the 2nd Amendment, ratified in 1787, allows the
states to have a National Guard, created by act of Congress in 1917.
- That the National Guard, paid by the federal government,
occupying property leased to the federal government, using weapons owned
by the federal government, punishing trespassers under federal law, is
a state agency.
- That private citizens can't have handguns, because they
serve no militia purpose, even though the military has hundreds of thousands
of them, and private citizens can't have assault rifles, because they are
- That it is reasonable for California to have a minimum
2 year sentence for possessing but not using an assault rifle, and reasonable
for California to have a 6 month minimum sentence for raping a female police
- That it is reasonable to jail people for carrying but
not using guns, but outrageous to jail people for possessing marijuana.
- That minimum sentences violate civil rights, unless it's
for possessing a gun.
- That door-to-door searches for drugs are a gross violation
of civil rights and a sign of fascism, but door-to-door searches for guns
are a reasonable solution to the "gun problem."
- That the first amendment absolutely allows child pornography
and threats to kill cops, but doesn't apply to manuals on gun repair.
- That a woman in a microskirt, perfume, and a Wonderbra,
without underwear, is a helpless victim, but someone getting paid $6 an
hour to deliver the cash from a fast food place to the bank at the same
time every night is, "asking for it." And you won't allow either
of them to carry a gun.
- That Illinois' law that allows any government official
from Governor to dogcatcher to carry a gun is reasonable, and the law that
prohibits any private citizen, even one with 50 death threats on file and
a million dollar jewelry business, is reasonable. And it isn't a sign of
- That free speech entitles one to own newspapers, transmitters,
computers, and typewriters, but self defense only justifies bare hands.
- That with the above, a 90 lb woman attacked by a 300
lb rapist and his 300 lb buddy, has the "right" to kill them
in self defense, provided she uses her bare hands.
- That gun safety courses in school only encourage kids
to commit violence, but sex education in school doesn't encourage kids
to have sex.
- That the ready availability of guns today, with only
a few government forms, waiting periods, checks, infringements, ID, and
fingerprinting, is responsible for all the school shootings, compared to
the lack of school shootings in the 1950's and 1960's, which was caused
by the awkward availability of guns at any hardware store, gas station,
and by mail order.
- That we must get rid of guns because a deranged lunatic
may go on a shooting spree at any time, and anyone who owns a gun out of
fear of such a lunatic is paranoid.
- That there is too much explicit violence featuring guns
on TV, and that cities can sue gun manufacturers because people aren't
aware of the dangers involved with guns.
- That the gun lobby's attempt to run a "don't touch"
campaign about kids handling guns is propaganda, and the anti-gun lobby's
attempt to run a "don't touch" campaign is responsible social
- That the crime rate in America is decreasing because
of gun control, and the increase in crime requires more gun control.
- That 100 years after its founding, the NRA got into the
politics of guns from purely selfish motives, and 100 years after the Emancipation
Proclamation, the black civil rights movement was founded from purely noble
- That statistics showing high murder rates justify gun
control, and statistics that show increasing murder rates after gun control
are "just statistics."
- That we don't need guns against an oppressive government,
because the Constitution has internal safeguards, and we should ban and
seize all guns, therefore violating the 2nd, 4th, and 5th Amendments of
that Constitution, thereby becoming an oppressive government.
- That guns are an ineffective means of self defense for
rational adults, but in the hands of an ignorant criminal become a threat
to the fabric of society.
- That guns are so complex to use that special training
is necessary to use them properly, and so simple to use that they make
- That guns cause crime, which is why there are so many
mass slayings at gun shows.
- That guns aren't necessary to national defense, which
is why the army only has 3 million of them.
- That banning guns works, which is why New York, DC, and
Chicago cops need guns.
- That the Constitution protects us, so we don't need guns,
and can confiscate them, thereby violating the 5th amendment of that constitution.
- That women are just as intelligent and capable as men,
yet a woman with a gun is "an accident waiting to happen."
- That women are just as intelligent and capable as men,
and gunmakers' advertisements aimed at women are "preying on their
- That a handgun, with up to 4 controls, is far too complex
for the typical adult to learn to use, as opposed to an automobile that
only has 20.
- That a majority of the population supports gun control,
just like a majority of the population used to support owning slaves.
- That one should ignore as idiots politicians who confuse
Wicca with Satanism and exaggerate the gay community as a threat to society,
but listen sagely to politicians who can refer to a self- loading small
arm as a "weapon of mass destruction" and an "assault weapon."
- That Massachusetts is safer with bans on guns, which
is why Teddy Kennedy has machinegun toting guards.
- That most people can't be trusted, so we should have
laws against guns, which most people will abide by, because they can be
- That a woman raped and strangled with her panties is
morally superior to a woman with a smoking gun and a dead rapist at her
- That guns should be banned because of the danger involved,
and live reporting from the battlefield, which can keep the enemy informed
of troop deployments, getting thousands of troops killed and perhaps losing
a war, is a protected act that CANNOT be compromised on.
- That the right of online child pornographers to exist
cannot be questioned because it is a constitutionally protected extension
of the Bill of Rights, and the claim that handguns are for self defense
is merely an excuse, and not really protected by the Bill of Rights.
- That the ACLU is good because it uncompromisingly defends
certain parts of the Constitution, and the NRA is bad, because it defends
other parts of the Constitution.
- That a house with a gun is three times as likely to have
a murder, just like a house with insulin is three times as likely to have
- That police operate in groups with backup, which is why
they need larger capacity magazines than civilians, who must face criminals
alone, and therefore need less ammunition.
- That we should ban "Saturday Night Specials"
and other inexpensive guns because it's not fair that poor people have
access to guns too. That guns have no legitimate use, but alcohol does,
which is why we issue cops beer instead of guns.
- That police and soldiers are the dregs of society who
were unfit to get any real job, which perfectly qualifies them with the
high moral standards and keen intellects to handle these complicated tools
and be our guardians. _____
- Copyright 1999, 2000 by Michael Z. Williamson. Permission
is granted to copy in part or in total for non-profit purposes, provided
due credit is given.
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