- This material has likely some basis in fact, though over
time and internet elaboration, perhaps gained a little in the way of fabrication
-- however any teacher can attest to the often shocking degree of student
misperception of history and facts. We present this entirely as humor --
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- 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited
by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert.
The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.
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- 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves
to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without
any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
He died before he ever reached Canada.
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- 3. Solomon had three hundred
wives and seven hundred porcupines.
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- 4. The Greeks were a highly
sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks
also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
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- 5. Socrates was a famous
Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates
died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered
a dramatic decline.
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- 6. In the Olympic games,
Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
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- 7. Julius Caesar extinguished
himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because
they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee
hee, Brutus."
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- 8. Joan of Arc was burnt
to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
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- 9. Queen Elizabeth was the
"Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed
herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
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- 10. It was an age of great
inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh
is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.
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- 11. The greatest writer of
the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564,
supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only
because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies,
all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
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- 12. Writing at the same time
as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great
author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died
and he wrote Paradise Regained.
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- 13. Delegates from the original
13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and
Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared,
"A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died
in 1790 and is still dead.
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- 14. Abraham Lincoln became
America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he
was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln
freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night
of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat
by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator
was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's
career.
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- 15. Johann Bach wrote a great
many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between
he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died
from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world
and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
He was very large.
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- 16. Beethoven wrote music
even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired
in 1827 and later died for this.
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- 17. The nineteenth century
was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing
by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat
caused a network of rivers to spring up. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure
for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the
Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of
the Marx Brothers.
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