- 1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two
dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry,
gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
- 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went
to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the
cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became
known as the lesser of two weevils.
- 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when
they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it, too.
- 4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old
West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the
man who shot my paw."
- 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
- 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because,"
he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
- 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The
other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years
later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving
the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture
of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."
- 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments,
so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked
to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought
the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored
him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up
the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only
Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
- 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is
so bad, it's good) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
- 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different
puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make
them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
- From David G. Hoffman
- Puns are the lowest form of humor. Anyone who uses one
should be drawn and QUOTED.
- --No Pun Intended