- Congratulations on purchasing a bag of "Mr
Salty"
Pretzels. Correctly used, these salty snacks should provide minutes of
healthy enjoyment, however, in order to derive optimum pleasure, and
minimal
injury, we do recommend that the following procedure is studied and
followed.
-
- YOU WILL NEED
- 1 x comfortable chair
- 1 x bag of pretzels (contents approximately 24 pretzels)
- 1 x television receiving equipment, tuned to the
sporting
event of your choice
- Up to 3 dogs - cats or other pets are NOT RECOMMENDED
and could be DANGEROUS
-
- STEP 1. OPENING THE BAG
-
- This is a relatively simple procedure, but care needs
to be taken nonetheless, so follow the steps carefully.
-
- 1. Take hold of the TOP of the bag at EITHER SIDE
between
FOREFINGER AND THUMB, taking care not to slash your wrists open on the
surprisingly sharp plastic edges.
-
- 2. Draw the edges of the bag apart with a smooth firm
motion.
-
- 3. If you SHOULD LOSE YOUR GRIP on the bag, take extreme
care not to smack yourself in the face with your flailing hand as this
can result in OBVIOUS BRUISING. Instead, you are advised to throw yourself
into the safe haven of the COMFORTABLE CHAIR until the hand-danger is
passed. On NO ACCOUNT throw yourself into the safe haven of THE FLOOR,
THE TELEVISION, THE DOGS, THE WINDOW, THE OVEN, THE LIGHTFITTINGS or THE
ROTATING BLADES OF A NEARBY HELICOPTER as severe injury and embarrassment
may result. If you have an open bag of pretzels before you, you may now
proceed to step 2. Otherwise, simply repeat step 1 until full openness
is achieved.
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- STEP 2. REMOVING PRETZEL FROM BAG
-
- 1. Set the bag upon your lap, making sure it is
reasonably
stable.
-
- 2. GENTLY insert one hand into the bag. IT MAY BE
NECESSARY
TO WITHDRAW EYES FROM TELEVISION IN ORDER TO ACCOMPLISH THIS SAFELY. You
may prefer to wait until a commercial break or other interval in the
action.
You should also ensure that you are not over-excited by the sporting
events
in progress before attempting this manoeuvre.
-
- 3. CLOSE YOUR FINGER AND THUMB over a single pretzel.
DO NOT attempt to select MULTIPLE PRETZELS. Not only is this an extremely
advanced manoeuvre and highly risky in itself, but it will unnecessarily
complicate step 3 and will almost certainly lead to brain injury, death
and further embarrassment. If you FAIL to secure a pretzel, open the
finger
and thumb, then close again in a different position - although STILL
WITHIN
THE BAG - until a pretzel is secured.
-
- 4. WITHDRAW HAND FROM BAG taking care not to break
pretzel,
drop pretzel, lacerate hand on edges of bag, grind pretzel into own eye,
smack head on door jamb, press thigh against red-hot coals, or drive meat
skewers through fleshy parts of upper arm. With the pretzel now secured
in the hand, the operation is nearly complete. However, you cannot afford
to let your guard down.
-
- STEP 3. TRANSPORTING PRETZEL TO MOUTH
-
- 1. Delicate hand-eye co-ordination is required. KEEPING
YOUR EYES FIXED ON THE PRETZEL, first WITHDRAW your hand. Should the
pretzel
DROP at this point, you will have to repeat step 2.
-
- 2. RAISE PRETZEL TOWARDS face - avoiding eyes, ears,
nostrils, hotline to Moscow and Nuclear Button in the process.
-
- 3. OPEN MOUTH - this step is vital and EASILY FORGOTTEN
IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT
-
- 4. PLACE PRETZEL JUST INSIDE MOUTH. Do not attempt to
force pretzel in. Pretzel should fit easily inside, and need not be
entirely
encased in mouth orifice. If pretzel does not fit easily, check that mouth
is open and that pretzel is in mouth, rather than ear. A small mirror may
be helpful.
-
- 5. RELEASE PRETZEL AND WITHDRAW FINGERS FROM MOUTH.
Failure
to perform this easily-overlooked step can lead to crippling injuries.
If you are in any doubt, consult mirror once more. Pretzel will probably
be just visible inside mouth and FINGERS SHOULD BE WELL CLEAR before step
4 commences.
-
- You are nearly ready to enjoy your pretzel - however
the last step is by far the most dangerous, and EXTREME CARE should be
taken. Inexperienced eaters of pretzels may care to practice without
pretzels
in order to have confidence in steps 1 to 3 before proceeding to the
pretzel
"fire fight" which is step 4.
-
- STEP 4. EATING THE PRETZEL
-
- 1. Begin to move jaws up and down in a rhythmic fashion.
AT LEAST 20 ITERATIONS ARE RECOMMENDED. "MR SALTY" CANNOUT BE
HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR INJURY, WOUNDING, DEATH, INTERNATIONAL INCIDENTS
OR WARFARE RESULTING FROM FAILURE TO FOLLOW THIS DIRECTIVE.
-
- 2. As pretzel structure begins to break down, guide
resulting substance to rear of mouth. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BREATHE - BUT
DO NOT LINGER AT THIS POINT EITHER. All your concentration must now be
brought to bear on guiding the pretzel safely down the oesophagus, without
inhaling and without passing out due to lack of oxygen.
-
- 3. As pretzel remnants reach back of throat, swallow
quickly THEN RE-COMMENCE BREATHING. Congratulations - you may now repeat
from step 1, until bag is empty or belly is full.
-
-
- TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
-
- 1. PRETZELS TASTE "PLASTICKY" - You are eating
the bag.
-
- 2. PRETZELS TASTE "FURRY" AND DOGS ARE YELPING
- You are eating the dogs.
-
- 3. PRETZELS TASTE REVOLTING - This is normal
-
- 4. FINGERS CANNOT GRASP PRETZEL - Bag is closed or is
empty.
-
- 5. PRETZELS ARE ALL OVER FLOOR. Bag is upside down,
or has been opened with undue force. Deploy dogs and request fresh
bag.
-
- 6. PRETZELS CANNOT BE SEEN - Light is off or eyes are
closed.
-
- 7. PRETZELS ARE TASTELESS AND EYES ARE FULL OF GRIT -
You have placed pretzel in eye instead of mouth
-
- 8. PRETZELS ARE TASTELESS AND I AM DEAF - You have
placed
pretzel in ear instead of mouth
-
- 9. I AM LYING ON THE FLOOR AND DOGS ARE STARING AT ME
- You have attempted to breathe while chewing and/or have failed to chew
pretzel thoroughly.
-
- 10. SIRENS ARE GOING OFF, MR RUMSFELD IS SHOUTING AND
MR CHENEY IS CLUTCHING AT HIS CHEST - You have confused bag of pretzels
with nuclear alert. Go back to watching television.
-
-
- NB: If you are not President of the United States of
America, the most powerful individual in the Western World and controller
of the World's largest nuclear arsenal and/or you have two brain cells
to rub together, you can safely ignore these instructions.
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- http://www.gold-eagle.com
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