- Official Notice
- From: The U.S. Department of Permanent Investigation
- To: Selected U.S. Citizens
Our governmental vigilance against hidden sources of potential terrorism
is, as you know, expanding rapidly. It quite naturally includes the
deepest suspicion directed toward those of you so dangerously misguided as
to foolishly disagree with any of our activities. The thought
of the United States of America continuing to tolerate so-called normal citizens
who insist on harboring hurtful, negative attitudes toward those holding
the reins of power is clearly unacceptable. Such disagreement is shockingly
counterproductive to a beleaguered government trying to rid itself of a
few dangerous enemies while simultaneously taking over as much of the world's
resources as possible. Because if you think this is easy to pull
off without too many people noticing, you can think again.
Government policy encouraging citizen-on-citizen spying has been sadly
misunderstood by those of you who have not yet willingly embraced
the idea of reforming yourselves the easy way, before someone else
does it for you. You have to understand: we can't be too careful about
these things because we really, seriously, need to get our own
way here. Uncritical, whole-hearted acceptance of authority, and support
for our every little overt and covert aim, is not that much
to ask. Furthermore, divisiveness among the populace on this issue
of self-spying is turning out to be a pointlessly time-consuming drain
on our dwindling national resources.
For instance: are you one of those who have been frivolously wasting time, waiting
around for the dreaded midnight pounding on your door? Have you been
experiencing nonproductive periods at work, fretting over job security
due to a few too many carelessly expressed opinions at that last office
party? Have you said anything at all, at any moment, which could possibly
be construed as less than fully complimentary to those morally and
intellectually superior individuals who were (possibly) elected
to run your country in your behalf? If so, then you are shamelessly squandering
your nation's human resources, since other people are going to have to
be keeping an eye on you for the rest of your life. Do you really think
that is being fair to them?
Or perhaps you have already had the good sense to be terrified,
and have therefore swallowed your highly-unpopular opinions all
along. Maybe you are idly wondering how long it will be before our technology can
pick your real thoughts straight from your congenitally insubordinate brain. (It
won't be long.) In any case, you know who you are. You are the
ones who nag, nitpick and think you can find fault with the strategies
of your worthy leaders in Washington. You loathe us and
all our works, national difficulties notwithstanding, and you are
wondering if we know it too. Well, we do.
You have not thought this problem through with sufficient thoroughness.
Because human nature will very likely, sooner or later, turn
against you in ways even your feverish imagination cannot predict.
Remember, you once lodged an official complaint with animal control
about that incessantly barking neighbor's dog. Or maybe you fired
a crooked, inefficient, or superfluous employee. What about that
romantic attachment that ended so acrimoniously? Perhaps you simply
know something unpleasant about someone, who really would rather you
didn't run around loose knowing what you know, just because. In any case,
what with being a human being and all, you are certain to have mortally
offended someone else's ego- sometime, somewhere, somehow. And
now you have to wonder if there will be highly unpleasant consequences.
Well, yes, there will be. We realize that even ordinary decent government-loving
folk occasionally must succumb to urges for petty revenge. We understand
that even proper citizens, ferociously dedicated to our administration,
will now and again swell with uncontrollable self-importance, when handed
irresistibly juicy power over others. Therefore this business of your
hanging around endlessly worrying about being fingered by the evil eye
is utterly useless. Of course you must be carefully watched over by imperfect
human beings: what did you think? You are recklessly wasting your
country's time and energy by forcing your fellow citizens to
try to assess exactly how serious those rude jokes you made about the current
administration really were. Surely you can see that it is a terrible drain
on the economy to be forced to have two thirds of the country awkwardly
skulking around spying on the other third?
You ought to know by now if your inner thoughts meet the
standards of our updated and expanded guidelines for possible
enemies of the state. We've certainly planted enough hints out
there. But you may well have been remiss in the necessarily stern
and uncompromising requirements for self-examination along these
lines. Therefore, in order to facilitate your efforts, we include
here a brief but hopefully evocative excerpt from our larger
work-in-progress, The Encyclopedia of Internal Enemies, Volume 23.
Please get your pencils, download this paper, and check the
applicable choices. Be sure to return your answers promptly to
1. You are an enemy of the state if you have deliberately failed
to applaud enthusiastically at the end of each and every official
public utterance during these difficult times. And don't think no one noticed.
2. You are an enemy of the state if you persist in believing, contrary
to all government issue press releases, that there are real live human
beings out there in other countries. We have very firmly made it clear
that that is hardly the point.
3. You are an enemy of the state if you have ever thought that
the sudden disappearance of every last one of the
powerful leaders and authorities on this planet would result in a
giddy celebration lasting for centuries. Such fantasies are not only
very cruel, but actionable under current slander laws, and constitute grounds
for permanent incarceration in solitary confinement.
4. You are an enemy of the state if you ever try to stick your nose
where it is not wanted, in relation to the very tricky matters regarding
the United States Constitution versus Homeland Security, which are
none of your business. And if you still don't believe it is none of
your business, just ask your expensively elected representatives.
5. You are an enemy of the state if you resist in any way the dictates,
stated or implied, of the official government, military and corporate
establishments who know what's best for you. The fact that they
have more money than you do is all the proof you need of their suitability
for making your important decisions. The food you eat, the water you drink,
the medical advice you take, the entertainment you consume, and the
education of your children are by now completely handled and none
of your concern. We know what we are doing here, and we have already told
you that more than once.
6. You are an enemy of the state if you annoyingly question government
and military secrecy when this is so clearly stated now to be a
veritable cornerstone of the democratic process. Keep in mind that
when it comes to matters of national security, you could be in a whole
lot of trouble for practically anything whatsoever. And you probably
are, so don't push it.
7. You are an enemy of the state if you question the idea
that multinational corporations and the perfectly natural excesses of capitalism
are somehow or other protected by the Constitution of the United States
of America. This is so fundamental we don't really even need to say it.
So don't make us say it again.
8. You are an enemy of the state if you have anywhere, at any time,
so much as breathed the word "environmentalism"- even alone in
a locked room. The use of the word "green" is permitted, if you
happen to be working on a full-page advertisement for a large energy
The above list, as you can see for yourself, represents a woefully
incomplete compendium of your innate potential for grievous offences
against your country. Basically, what it all boils down to is that you
are an enemy of the state if you don't freely and spontaneously agree with
the thoughts of those of us in positions of authority, anywhere and everywhere.
Any fool could see that, one would think. Frankly, we don't like being
disagreed with. Why would we?
We welcome your individual contributions in response to this Official Notice,
just as soon as you have examined your conscience and made a full and frank
confession. You will then be free to shorten your sentence somewhat by
offering additions we haven't thought of yet to this list. We hope,
with your help, to compile the definitive version of all conceivable infractions
of any local, state or federal rules, laws, customs, or sincere authoritarian
whims, which you or anyone else might have been, are now, or may be guilty
of in the future.
The main thing is not really even what you have specifically done, or will
do. There's bound to be something, and you know it. The point is to shortcut
all this uncomfortable uncertainty you are living in as an amateur or even,
heaven help you, a certified professional troublemaker. Therefore we
have instituted what we believe is a highly effective new plan
for speeding up this entire process. We are asking each
and every one of you who has ever had any sort of wicked thought
whatsoever about The Establishment to give yourselves up
and turn yourselves in to the authorities immediately. This will save
everyone concerned a considerable amount of troublesome waiting, not to
mention your tax dollars. What with one thing and another, present
estimates of the number of in-house enemies-of-the-state run to the millions
at the very least. For this reason we ask for your patience in regard
to the expected long lines and waiting times.
Kindly observe the following steps for turning yourself in:
If you don't know the location or even the identity of your local
authorities, just ask and we will forward you the names, and directions
for finding them. They aren't always who you think they are.
Please do not try to turn yourselves in to the media, as they are not yet
set up for handling crowds.
Consider bringing at least a box lunch, as this is going to take some time.
Sanitary arrangements will be provided, but don't expect anything
fancy. Outside food vendors will be permitted between the hours of 11am
- 1 pm, and 4 pm - 6 pm, for the first week, in most states.
For your entertainment while you are waiting, we have arranged for continual closed-circuit
preview presentations of the upcoming reality-based Fox television series,
"The Noble, Highly Paid and Exciting Lives of Citizen-Spies."
No radios, cell phones, wrist watches, writing implements, or reading material will
be allowed beyond the first stage of processing. And don't bother
bringing your belts, extra clothing, or personal grooming materials.
We ask that you place all children under six with politically correct relatives
before you leave the house. Be sure to fill out all necessary adoption
Thank you. In conclusion, we wish to express our deepest appreciation
ahead of time for your patience and cooperation. We want you all to
know we are sincerely look forward to working with you and getting to know
you much much better.
- The Department of Permanent Investigation