- [Washington] The surprise resignation of the forty-third
President of the United States, George W. Bush, on the second anniversary
of the terrorist attack on America, was hailed by chiefs of state throughout
the world. Mr. Bush announced that after, "two years of bloodshed,
economic devastation, and spreading fear in America and abroad," he
saw no choice but to accept that, "I have held a title which I did
not win, and for which I have proven unqualified."
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- The text of the former President's September 11 address
to the nation follows:
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- "My fellow Americans:
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- I come to you tonight with a heavy heart. Two years ago
today, thousands of innocent Americans were murdered by terrorist maniacs.
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- In the script I've been handed, I'm now supposed to tell
you that America is safer today, and that the world is kinder and nicer
and happier, because of I'm such a brilliant general in the War on Terror.
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- But who are we kidding? Yesterday, Osama released his
new hit video. The terrorists are having a picnic ever since I turned over
our foreign policy to Saudi Arabia and Exxon-Mobil.
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- And here's the point in my speech where my handlers would
have me tell you about how I've been praying hard, making it sound like
I just got off the phone with the Lord. I don't know about you, but I find
it pretty darn offensive, downright blasphemous, to drag the Lord's name
into every cheap campaign speech and chest-pounding war threat. Osama says
he talks to God too. Let's leave Him out of the politics from now on, OK?
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- Look, in my speech this past Sunday, I used the word
"democracy" about 11 times when talking about Iraq. It's democracy
Florida-style, I suppose. Except we're not fixing the vote this time we
aren't letting these people vote at all. "Iraqis aren't prepared for
democracy." That's what Dick Cheney and Saddam Hussein told me.
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- So we're blowing 100 billion bucks we don't have to colonize
a country we don't want. Rummy tries to explain it to me each morning --
oil this and oil that -- but I just don't see it. And one of our kids dying
there every day - where are their parents, anyway? My dad didn't let that
happen - he got me out of the service. Didn't I look neat in that fly-boy
suit?
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- And, let me tell you, I just looked at our nation's piggy
bank. Uh-oh.
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- When I arrived, the last guy left me $4 trillion and
said, "Be careful with all that cash in this neighborhood." Well,
I have to level with you, America: it's all gone. The cupboard's bare and
this year alone we blew half a trillion more dollars than we have in our
bank account. Man, I can't believe I went through all that dough stone
sober.
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- And what did we get for it? A Fatherland Security Department
that's trying to read the labels on everyone's underpants. Think about
it, all this Total Information Awareness KGB stuff: two years ago Americans
were the victims - but my government has made Americans the suspects. I
don't know about you, but this guy Ashcroft scares the bejeezus out of
me.
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- And today I'm told that over nine million Americans are
out of work. That's not so bad: I haven't done much work in my lifetime
either. But my mama explained to me that not everyone's daddy can lend
them an oil well to tide them over.
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- It's like I can't get anything right. The lights are
going out in Ohio and the North Pole is melting. I don't get it. I appointed
all those regulators that Ken Lay told me to, and I got rid of all the
rules that got in the way of patriotic Polluter-Americans . and what's
the upshot? America the Beautiful is looking like she's had a pretty rough
night. Won't be long before the whole country smells like Houston.
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- And now the stock market's floating face down in the
swimming pool - despite everything I've done for those guys on Wall Street.
Even my plan to give every millionaire an extra million seems to have backfired.
Greenspam says I've created "business risk." Says I spook investors.
But when I asked Greenspam for a solution, all he did was hand me a bag
of pretzels.
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- Hey, I can take a hint. OK, I'm over my head on this
one. I look back over these last years, and what have I got to show you
for it: two years of bloodshed, economic devastation, and spreading fear
in America and abroad.
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- When I ran for this office, I said the issue was, "character."
And just look at the characters around me. I've gotten all their resignations
today. And while I've got some character left, here's my own good-bye note
too. Let's face it: I have held a title which I did not win, and for which
I have proven unqualified. You know it. And I know it.
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- It's at this point in the speech where I'm supposed to
say, "And may God bless America." God better, because Dick Cheney
won't. Don't panic: I'm not turning over this sacred office to Mr. Contracts-R-Us.
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- Instead, I've petitioned the United States Supreme Court
to pick a President for us. Those guys picked the last one, why not the
next one?
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- And so, my fellow Americans, you can take this job and
."
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- Here, Mr. Bush's words became unintelligible. As usual.
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