- Dear Editor...
-
- God bless the cell phone industry! They've finally provided
most of us with the cursed blessing of being electronically "leashed"
like so many cyborg dogs. Most of us would be lost without our cell phones,
but admit it, now--the darned little things have given us more reasons
for social embarassment than White Castle hamburgers.
-
- How many times have you been in a meeting when suddenly
something goes "beep-beep" and a dozen people all stop whatever
they're doing and dive for their respective purses or briefcases, or start
patting down their pockets to see if it's THEIR leash that's being yanked?
I call this "The Cellular Hoedown." It's like a cyber-age square
dance that culminates not in a hearty "Yee-haa!" but in a cacophony
of "Who's phone?" " Whose Ringing?" "Not me."
And finally an, "Ah... it's mine. Hello-oo?" Whereupon everyone
shrugs and goes back to their work-a-day routine pretending they haven't
just been made fools of by a little plastic box full of oriental fishy
chips.
-
- Worse yet are the poor souls (like me) who are forever
getting separated from our leashes. We suddenly realize that we left our
phone in the other room, office, car, suit, toolbox, golf bag, or locker.
You'd think we'd feel like a dyslesxic Rottweiler with a broken collar:
"Free at last, free at last, thank dog almighty, I'm free at last!"
But no-ooo... we go skulking off in search of the darn thing, muttering
under our breath and fearing how many unanswered calls may be waiting on
it's beady little screen that we'll have to catch up to.
-
- Well, it's time the cell phone industry paid pennance
for yoking us with these problems and (for once) I have the solution to
what's got me irked: A WRIST PHONE! Oh, Dick Tracy be damned. The idea
of wrist phones is treated by the cell phone industry like UFO's are treated
by the press. Nobody takes 'em seriously 'cause they got their start in
comic books. It's hard to take anything seriously that you learned about
under the covers with a flashlight while you casually chewed bubble gum
and popped your zits. But, by Zorks, tomorrow is today--it's TIME for the
Wristphone!
-
- I'm envisioning a nice little piece about the size of
a sportwatch that's worn on the inside of your wrist. There was a time
when it was fashionable to wear your personal timepiece like that. (And
your belt buckle to the side of your pants, remember?) It wouldn't even
have to RING, 'cause a simple vibration would be felt instantly, thereby
eliminating the Cellular Hoedown altogether. We'd still have the "caller,"
just not the dance. When we felt the tickle, we'd simply raise our wrist
to our ear and dutifully report to Pavlof. Perhaps a little telescoping
wand-type microphone which pulls down to the corner of our mouths would
be necessary but, phsst, we put men on the moon we can work THAT out!
-
- We'd strap it on every morning just like our watch and
it'd be there at the tips of our fingers (well, just shy of them) all day.
It'd never get tangled in a seatbelt, or buried in a purse, or lost under
a car seat, or left in another room. And It wouldn't need a keyboard or
a stylus like those PDA's (oh, don't get me started on THEM!) We'd just
program the numbers with a computer interface and the little devil'd go
into action at the slightest verbal command of, "Call office,"
or "Call home," or "Call bookie," just like our wandering
cell phones do today.
-
- If we kept the charger on our bedside nightstand it'd
be there everynight when we "unstrapped." And our wristphone
would be fully charged the next morning when we were ready to slip back
into our tack. No more dead batteries. No errant phones. And no more lost
calls.
-
- And don't tell me the industry couldn't make a cell phone
that small. I mean, let's just shoot for a phone here. If they'd take out
the camera, the video game, the walkie talkie, the stock ticker, the jukebox,
and the text messaging, hell, they could put one in a shirt button. Hey,
now there's an idea...
-
- Oh... might want it to tell time though, ya think?
-
- GOD BLESS AMERICA
-
- ~~Bob Barnes
- Actor-Spokesperson-Narrator
- 1570 Avon Place
- Huntington, IN 46750-4412
- 800-940-2035
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