- With all the talk about MCD (mad cow disease) in conjunction
with all the standard bovine excrement that continually flows out of Washington,
I recently discovered something that has been around for many years now,
the politico/socio ownership of the poor dairy cow. I couldn't help but
notice just how timely this piece really is. In keeping up with times and
in an effort to remain politically correct, some discerning individual
has revised and modified the original statement (which only included items
down to DICTATORSHIP), to include the most up to date political gymnastics
with the poor cows.
-
- FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of
the milk.
-
- PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes
them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cow. You have to take
care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
-
- BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government
takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are
cared for by
- ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens
that the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives
you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
-
- FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both,
hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
-
- PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help
you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
-
- RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take
care of them, but the government takes all of the milk.
-
- DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes
both and shoots you.
-
- SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government
fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
-
- MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both
and drafts you.
-
- PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbor decides
who gets the milk.
-
- REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbor
picks someone to tell you who gets the milk.
-
- AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you
two cows if you vote for it.
-
- BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep
brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
-
- BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government
regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. After that
it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the
drain, then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing
cows.
-
- ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk
at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
-
- CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a
bull.
-
- HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three
of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened
by your brother-in-law in the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
reduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred
via a Panamanian Intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned
by the majority stockholder, who sells the rights
- to all seven cow's milk back to the listed company. The
annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on
one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
-
- ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans
you from milking or killing them.
-
- FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt
a veal calf.
-
- TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes
them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
-
- POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept
of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering,
intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society)
bovines of non-specific gender.
-
- COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like.these two cows,
man. You got to have some of this milk.
-
- SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires
you to take harmonica lessons.
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