- Super Bowl XXXVIII will go down in history as the Super
Bowl that introduced to the world the art of wardrobe malfunction.
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- This refers of course to the halftime show when Justin
Timberlake ripped off a portion of Janet Jackson's costume, exposing a
part of her body not contracted (this time) for public viewing.
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- Timberlake issued an apology and explanation following
the game, calling Jackson's pop top costume an accident due to a "wardrobe
malfunction."
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- Not a wardrobe malfunction was halftime streaker Mark
Roberts and his tear-away referee costume. Dressed only in a G-string,
Roberts scrambled to elude field security until a New England linebacker
took him down.
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- True wardrobe malfunction -- or unintentionally baring
all but one's soul -- has been around for a long time, possibly even forever.
Most of the time they are only mildly embarrassing.
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- The difference now is that we have an official term for
it other than just "oops," "uh-oh," or even "I
wish I was dead."
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- There probably isn't a guy in the world who hasn't forgotten
at one time or another to zip up his fly, or the woman who hasn't had her
skirt fly up on a windy day. Once, completely sober, I forgot to finish
dressing before answering the door in my underwear. Fortunately, it was
just my mom.
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- Another time I was hurled half-naked from a locker room
into a crowded school corridor by several jocks I had regrettably taunted
for spelling it "loker rom."
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- OK, that last one was more wardrobe robbery than wardrobe
malfunction, but either way it was enormously disconcerting.
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- More serious wardrobe malfunctions would be things along
the line of having your underpants torn completely off by a bear, or accidentally
locking yourself outside your house while in a stage of undress.
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- How these malfunctions are received can be troubling.
Millions of viewers called CBS to rant about Jackson's bared breast while
millions more hoped their VCRs were working.
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- The amount of outrage is not the proper gauge for determining
the seriousness of the malfunction. Nor can a lack of embarrassment be
a good determination. That's because it's all so confusingly subjective.
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- For example, after a dimly recorded but apparently festive
three-day pass in the Army, I once tried to get back onto Fort Jackson
out of uniform. On a bus full of G.I.s, I was the only one with a wardrobe
malfunction.
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- Based on the reaction of the military police, you would
have thought that I had reported back wearing only my boots instead of
just without a tie. Cost me two days KP.
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- Similarly, while talking to a woman at a funeral, I watched
as she stooped to tie her child's shoe. She didn't realize that she was
standing on her slip and pulled it completely off when she stood up.
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- Didn't bother me or anyone else who was standing nearby.
Certainly no one called the police to complain about it. But the poor woman
wanted to die.
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- Given our squirrelly sense of proprieties, wardrobe malfunctions
are ever going to be an embarrassing part of being human. Ironically, this
includes high-priced celebrities who sometimes take money to take it off.
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- - Salt Lake Tribune columnist Robert Kirby welcomes mail
at 143 S. Main St., Salt Lake City, UT 84111, or e-mail at rkirby@sltrib.com.
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- © Copyright 2004, The Salt Lake Tribune.
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- http://www.sltrib.com/2004/Feb/02052004/thursday/135720.asp
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