- Crowds cheering, bands marching, costumes glittering,
high-wire stunts, and even animal acts (if the latest Bush stories about
Kerry are to believed) -- all these and more are coming this fall to America's
local fairgrounds and national airwaves.
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- American elections are not noted for depth of content.
Despite constant disparagement, sound bites often are the only way to know
what all the racket is about.
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- The candidates are typically such pasteboard-cutout figures,
but what would you expect from people spending large parts of their lives
in Washington? It is stifling preparation for anything useful, and, if
the time were spent in Congress, the only solid skill you would likely
possess is sniffing out campaign funds.
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- But even extravaganzas grow tiresome. How many times
can an audience watch candidates with drippy television-smiles and capped
teeth stand on a podium, hands clasped over their heads like boxing champs,
while balloons and confetti rain down? If they can't come up with a new
closing act for the conventions, some enterprising person should develop
a computer program so that the parties only have to insert an image and
voice sample for this year's candidate. Balloon colors would be adjustable
as would theme music. Confetti and streamers could be added in any desired
proportions.
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- The phoniness starts well before the conventions and
actual campaigns. Honestly, have you ever seen a picture of a would-be
presidential candidate in the primaries who isn't either stabbing the air
with his forefinger, a la Kennedy 1960, or reaching out with both arms
like one of those hog-sized television evangelists groping the air symbolically
for his flock's wallets? The images are so repetitive, a good computer
program could save everyone time and effort.
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- One thing is different this year. I don't recall such
a wealth of filth being released at so early a date in the run-up to a
campaign. We're in for a hilarious season. By November, even the most jaded
viewer should have had some good laughs.
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- Ratings for the national debates, always guaranteed yawns
unless one of the gents forgets his lines, should soar as viewers anticipate
a darkly-serious Bush reaching into his jacket to pull out a pair of soiled
panties in a sealed evidence envelope. Janet Jackson's breast-stunt was
probably planned by a Republican ad agency to test audience reaction for
the campaign. If a woman who looks much like her brother, minus the "skin
condition," wearing a costume from a cheap 1950s sci-fi film about
an invasion of giant cockroaches can get Americans excited, rating prospects
for the fall are excellent.
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- Bush operatives already are reported to be conducting
a worldwide search for any former intern who may have had an affair with
John Kerry. The search will not overlook such past contacts as plump-bottomed
baton-twirlers at county fairs and employees of the Boston branch of Hooters.
The records of dry-cleaning establishments across the United States are
being scrutinized by an ever-vigilant FBI for cleaning tickets identifying
biologically-stained dresses or undergarments with torn straps.
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- Dick Cheney ordered the top-secret NSA to enter a salacious-word
search into the supercomputers of its Echelon system that daily records
and sorts through the world's telecommunications for clues to miscreants.
By the way, if Dick Cheney were running, he'd only have to show a wallet-snap
of his wife's embalmed-prune smile to be forgiven any straying from the
marital bed, but Kerry is married to America's Grand Duchess of Pickles
and Ketchup, and her five hundred million or so make up for an awful lot
of shortcomings in other departments.
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- I must confess to not having mastered all the details.
I wonder whether Intern-gate is supposed to have happened after Kerry's
marriage-alliance with America's canned-spaghetti fortune? Maybe the Grand
Duchess is a tolerant wife. I feel no compulsion to research these points
since I'm sure I'll be filled in during the campaign.
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- Letters already produced suggest Republican politicians
long ago closely vetted Bush's National Guard files and wiped them clean.
Former Guardsmen, though, have come forward suggesting that Bush never
showed up for duty in Alabama after leaving Texas. Bush drifting off into
space should surprise anyone?
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- Bush still thought it worth countering with some murky
pay records. Hell, Junior's entire career before going into crooked Texas
politics was built on people trying to influence his dad by giving the
boy the appearance of an honest living. Why would anyone expect his pay
to have been stopped?
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- We all know what a vital role the National Guard plays,
but it was a lot more vital during a protracted and vicious war. It was
the only way to avoid Vietnam while getting yourself glossy, full-color
pictures in uniform with a huge flag in the background - it was a future
politician's dream duty. Bush joined by jumping the queue in front of scores
of other influential people's sons. And, hell, he even got to play with
a real jet plane once in a while, although for some reason, not explained
in the record, his flying was cut short well before his service ended.
Smart alecks have unkindly suggested that he was either too smashed or
high to fly, but I'm sure this matter will be cleared up to everyone's
satisfaction by the campaign.
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- The critical nature of Bush's service to the nation is
brought home by a report concerning his using a National Guard plane to
transport what were identified only as "tropical plants" to Texas.
Apparently, either there was a shortage of pineapples at the base lounge
or Bush invented a new role for the military in the war on drugs.
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- I'm just hoping a home-movie clip survives somewhere
of Bush's legendary naked table-dancing in a bar. This would provide a
hilarious finale to the campaign. CNN could show it again and again, frame
by frame, with commentaries by a staff of legal experts. Who knows, if
we're really lucky, there's a Polaroid out there somewhere of Junior with
white powder stuck to his nose.
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- We may need porno-entrepreneur Larry Flynt to put up
a million buck reward to get the goods. If Flynt is a bit short of cash
after cutting down some prominent Republican hypocrites during the Clinton
impeachment-farce, maybe George Soros, anxious to find a way to retire
Bush before he blows up the planet, could send him the dough in a plain
brown envelope.
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- I must end on a somber note. There are almost no genuine
issues for Kerry and Bush to debate, unless you include Bush's low effective
intelligence, which you may or may not think important since Cheney pretty
much keeps Bush to ceremonial duties, a bit like the Queen of England.
Kerry drones about jobs, seemingly unaware that a President has little
influence on employment, although whenever a Democrat starts talking about
jobs, you can bet protectionist trade measures aren't far behind.
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- As far as Bush's pointless brutality in Iraq, Kerry has
long supported intervention there. He supported a resolution to that effect
in 2002. He never said a word when limbs started being blasted off. But
what would you expect from the rarified air of the Consort to the Grand
Duchess of Pickles and Ketchup?
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- http://www.yellowtimes.org/article.php?sid=1781
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