- BOSTON. After switching their
allegiance from anarcho-communist Howard Dean to ultra-liberal John Kerry,
and then to liberal John Edwards, on the final day of their convention
Democrats switched one last time to extreme moderate Adolf Hitler, convinced
that he's the man who has the best chance of beating Bush.
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- "This election has never been about issues,"
said Democratic Party spokesman Heinrich Himmler. "It's not about
whether we go to war, about military spending, or taxes, or the federal
budget, or the environment, or civil liberties, or even abortion. That's
the kind of starry-eyed idealism that killed us in '72. This election is
about one thing -- getting that bastard Bush out of there, that lying,
draft-dodging, coke-snorting, beady-eyed, stupid, bad, bad person. Hate
him! Hate him! Hate him!"
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- General Hermann Goering, an early supporter of Hitler's
campaign, agreed. "Clearly, for the Democratic Party to be relevant,
they have to capture the presidency, and the way to do it is by moving
farther and farther to the center. John Kerry is a war veteran, and voted
for the Iraq war, but he's haunted by his anti-war background. After September
11, that's just not going to play in the heartland, or in the South.
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- Hitler, on the other hand, has always been pro-war. He's
called for the liberation of Iran, Syria, Venezuela, Canada, even Europe.
On national defense and the war on terror, he's even more moderate than
Bush!" Moderation, says columnist Joseph Goebbels, is the key. "On
so many issues, such as his proposals to clear-cut the national forests,
to put all dissidents into detention facilities, to double defense spending,
to abolish all corporate taxes, to prohibit labor unions, and to conquer
the world in a thousand year American homeland, Hitler makes the other
Democrats, and even Bush, look like raving Green Party radicals, tree-hugging,
granola-eating, flower-sniffing hippie-anarchists. If moderate means making
your opponents look liberal in comparison, and clearly that's exactly what
it means, then Hitler is as moderate as they come."
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- Senator Joseph Lieberman has enthusiastically endorsed
Hitler's campaign. "At last," Lieberman said, "we have a
candidate who will do something about degenerate culture, about all the
filth coming out of Hollywood, someone who will clean up those stinking
subhumans who have defiled the purity of American culture. I think this
will be a final solution."
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- When asked about Hitler's repeated statements that he
wants to kill all Jews, Lieberman laughed. "We know he's not really
going to do that. That would be absurd. I mean, some of his best friends
are Jews. No, he's just a tough talker. Americans like that -- it's presidential."
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- Although Democrats rank Hitler consistently low (roughly
0%) in terms of personal agreement with his policies, most of them are
happily falling behind him. Says Cedar Rapids activist Wendy Pipkin, "I
mean, if I could pick anyone I wanted, it would be Dennis Kucinich, but
the people can't just pick anyone they want. This is a democracy, which
means you have to pick someone who people believe other people will vote
for, and nobody will vote for Kucinich because, you know, nobody will vote
for him.
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- Hitler gives us a real chance to get a Democrat back
in the White House." But not everyone agrees. Some Democrats are nervous
about Hitler's candidacy, like Seattle precinct committee officer Richard
Shodley. "Hitler's a vegetarian," he says, wringing his hands,
"and he's made statements that could be construed as sympathetic to
animal rights activists. If the Republicans get their hands on that, they
can nail him to the wall in November. I'm just afraid it gives them too
much ammunition. What I really fear is, Bush could still win."
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