- This marked multiple choice test was found in Jonah Goldberg's
job application file at NRO. The file was accidentally thrown into a garbage
bin only to be found by a "subversive", "anti-American"
garbageman on the job who later made it available to us.
-
- Hi Jonah,
-
- At the request of your mother, the great and brilliant
Simone, this test was customized for you by our very sane, brilliant, upright,
heterosexual, and Judeo-Christian editor at large, William F. Buckley Jr.
Bill says to tell your mom that he'll light her candles anytime.
-
- Anyway, the point of this test is for you to answer the
questions without thinking too much. After all, you have been groomed for
a position at NRO since birth and we really only want to test your instincts
before we make you a regular contributor.
-
- Bill wanted us to make sure you understand our mission.
In essence, we are devoted to the cause of the Likud and Israel. The many
other issues we discuss are peripheral and only there to portray us as
conservatives in the eyes of our readership.
-
- Finally, Bill says he'll give you the results personally
when he sees you and the rest of the guys at Shol for the next NRO strategy
meeting with our great and brilliant benefactors and well-wishers. The
list is long and includes Richard Perle, Wolfie, and Doug Feith. They will,
of course, be there to greet you and to give you some pointers on how to
report things so that we keep the masses asleep. This is so crucial for
us that I will repeat this to you many times after we hire you.
-
- Good luck,
- NRO Editors
-
-
- NRO is the voice of:
- a) A bunch of Israel firsters who masquerade as conservatives.
- b) The Likud and its Neocon representatives in the US.
- c) Any "brilliant" commentator who can write
a derogatory column on people, organizations, and countries who disagree
with Israel and US foreign policy as defined by the current idiot in power.
- d) Conservative America.
- e) All of the above except d).
-
- NRO really epitimizes:
- a) The Protocols of the Elders of Zion.
- b) The Talmud.
- c) Zionism in its most rabbid form.
- d) The Likud and other rightwing political parties in
Israel.
- e) All of the above.
-
- NRO readers are:
- a) Very gullible and disinformed morons who look to us
for commentary about things they really don't understand.
- b) A good source of campaign funds for the sold-out idiots
we promote as brilliant politicians in the US.
- c) Are very impressed with our occasional use of French
and Spanish words in our columns.
- d) Braindead Noahide sheep slowly but surely being led
to slaughter and who think we really care about them and their Judeo-Christianity.
- e) Well read people who often watch the BBC and the CBC.
- f) All of the above except e).
-
- The NRA is to be portrayed as:
- a) An organization blessed by Moses.
- b) A bunch of nice guys out for a good time.
- c) A bunch of well intentioned collectors and afficionados
of firearms.
- d) Guys who really believe that every child should have
an arsenal of automatic weapons at his/her disposal.
- e) Guys who show up in towns to promote the right to
bear arms after a sick kid has gone on a shooting rampage and killed dozens
of innocent people for no reason.
- f) Guys who believe that blowing away defenseless animals
with canons is an entertaining sport.
- g) Our last line of defense in case things go really
bad for us and we need a heavily armed escort to the El Al ticket counter.
- h) Guys pushing America into a suicide pact with guns
and ammo.
- i) None of the Above except a), b), and c).
-
- When people disagree with our position on Israel, what
are you to do?
- a) Yawn and use many one liners.
- b) Belittle them and immediately insinuate that they
are antiSemitic and antiAmerican.
- c) Detract attention by writing a derogatory piece on
socialist Canada or on something more trivial such as your next snipe hunting
trip with the misses and Jr.
- d) Refer to the Holocaust in your next column (just don't
forget to mention the &laqno;soap made from Jewish fat» story (although
long discredited, it has served us well many many times), Eli Weazel's
Nobel prize, Schindler's list, and the Simon Wiesenthal Center.
- e) All of the above.
-
- Before any American politician is to be endorsed by NRO,
s/he must:
- a) Signal deep respect for and an unwavering commitment
to Israel by visiting Yad Vashem and the Wailing Wall.
- b) Mention Israel and the Holocaust many times in every
televized speech.
- c) Admit or at least hint at Jewish lineage (preferably
maternal).
- d) Lick ass at AIPAC conferences.
- e) Appear easily corruptible in the event s/he only feigned
a), b), c), and d) to become electable.
- f) Stand firmly against anyone who disagrees with our
benefactors and well-wishers.
- g) Agree with everything we say about Israel.
- h) All of the above.
-
- When people attack your colleagues at NRO, what are you
to do?
- a) Defend your colleagues by all means even though most
are BS artists, calumniators, and propagandists.
- b) Write a column lauding your colleagues as luminaries
and great thinkers.
- c) Belittle the accusors and insinuate that they are
antiSemitic and antiAmerican.
- d) Refer to the Holocaust in your next column (Just don't
forget the soap story, Eli Weazel's Nobel prize, and the Simon Wiesenthal
Center).
- e) All of the above.
-
- In NRO, discussions of the Catholic Church are to revolve
around:
- a) Paedophilia.
- b) Homosexuality.
- c) Immorality
- d) Infestation by perverts, freaks, and Jesuits.
- e) Rabid antiSemitism and collaboration with Nazis.
- f) All of the above.
-
- Rabbis involved in the ecstasy trade, murder, smuggling,
prostitution, the porn industry, money laundering operations for drug cartels,
tax evasion schemes under the guise of Holy Land charities, the arms trade,
and paedophilia and white slavery rings are:
- a) Never to be mentionned in NRO.
- b) To be presented as abused victims of antiSemitism
when other media outlets mention them and their alleged crimes.
- c) To be defended whenever possible by presenting them
as poor misunderstood guys who have taken a sudden wrong turn but who are
actually pillars of the community and ready to reenter society.
- d) All of the above.
-
- What are Arabs?
- a) Sandniggers (N. B. never use this word in public).
- b) Towelheads and turbinheads (N. B.never use these words
in public).
- c) Terrorists (N. B.always use this word whenever you
mention Arabs).
- d) Vermin destined for extermination and expulsion.
- e) Bloodthirsty and illiterates followers of Satan.
- f) All of the above.
-
- What are Palestinians?
- a) Same as all of the above.
- b) Dispossessed Muslim and Christian squatters trying
to regain some of their ancestral land.
- c) Humiliated people with very little to live for.
- d) Desperate people being picked off on a daily basis
before they are finally expulsed en masse.
- e) People with a just cause.
-
- How are you to portray Arafat in NRO?
- a) A democratically-elected leader of the Palestinian
people.
- b) A statesman without a state.
- c) A very lucky guy with a powerful survival instinct.
- d) A bloodthirsty terrorist out to kill Israelis in pizza
parlors.
- e) A guy totally in control of groups like Hamas and
Islamic Jihad.
- f) d) and e) only.
-
- We are never to mention Khazars on NRO because:
- a) Khazars were a pagan and warlike asiatic tribe which
settled in an area of what is today Ukraine, later converted to Judaism,
and were later overwhelmed by invading Vikings who were treated by an exasperated
native population as liberators.
- b) Ashkenazi Jews are of Khazar origin and therefore
have no relation to Middle Eastern Jews.
- c) Khazaria (with a Zionist twist) was reestablished
by force in Palestine over the 20th century.
- d) Khazaria is not part of any founding myth of modern
day Israel.
- e) Our brilliant scholars have had a hard time finding
evidence of the significance and contributions of Khazars to world history
and therefore suggest that we push the Diaspora BS instead.
- f) All of the above.
-
- How are you to refer to my dear friend Ariel Sharon?
(Your mom says you met our friend on many occasions over the years)
- a) Mr. Prime Minister or General.
- b) Porky the Butcher.
- c) A legitimate but misunderstood statesman of a great
democracy surrounded by crazed Arab masses who hate him for no other reason
than a genetically-determined condition called antiSemitism.
- d) Porky the Conquerer.
- e) A man of peace.
- f) a), c), and e) only.
-
- How should you refer to our Likudnik benefactors?
- a) Just a bunch of good old boys never meaning no harm.
- b) Victims of the Holocaust who came home and made a
desert bloom under constant threat and derision simply because of the rampant
antiSemitism of crazed Arabs.
- c) Brilliant statesmen and friends of the US.
- d) Defenders of their biblical homeland.
- e) All of the above.
-
- Our Likudnik friends depend on us to convince our moronic
readers that they are not:
- a) A collection of inbred sadistic thugs who are financed
by the US taxpayer and whose troops regularly engage in the gratuitous
slaughter of babies, children, old people, UN workers, protestors, and
ambulance drivers.
- f) A collection of Nazi-like psychopaths and sociopaths
who are clearly involved in a ruthless and monumental land grab operation
financed by the US taxpayers while we at NRO try to keep the American public
asleep.
- g) A bunch of poorly bred thugs involved in massive organized
crime, espionage, and terror operations throughout the world including
the US and who need us to get away with it.
- h) Well connected thugs with many US collaborators who
specialize in blackmailing and threatening most of the world so that things
keep going their way.
- i) Thugs who are portrayed as brilliant statesmen and
who give the finger to whomever they want whenever they want.
- j) All of the above.
-
- The US congress is:
- a) Israeli occupied territory.
- b) A collection of sold out and/or blackmailed morons
who usually lose their jobs when they vote against Israeli interests.
- c) A place where AIPAC rules.
- d) A bunch of people who are supposed to represent the
American people but actually make sure that our benefactors get everything
they want at the expense of the US taxpayer who long ago fell asleep at
the wheel.
- e) All of the above.
-
- Who was Leo Strauss?
- a) A misunderstood professor with many degrees whose
vision of the world we endorse at NRO.
- b) A brilliant man.
- c) A great scholar and luminary.
- d) A demented, egomaniacal, and machiavellian lunatic
who Hitler would have fired for being too radical.
- e) A victim of the Holocaust.
- f) All of the above except d).
-
- What is Gore Vidal?
- a) A promiscuous and demented faggot (N.B. Always use
the term homosexual or sodomite in public).
- b) Unamerican.
- c) AntiSemitic.
- d) A Saddamite.
- e) A communist.
- f) All of the above.
-
- Why is Joe Sobran no longer at NRO?
- a) A guy who had a falling out with your future Editor
at Large, WFB.
- b) A guy who at some point decided he could still think
for himself and no longer wanted to walk the line.
- c) A guy who dared to criticize Israel.
- d) A guy who smelt the coffee one morning and decided
he no longer wanted to promote the ideas of our well-wishers in Tel Aviv.
- e) He was an antiSemite and really had no place at NRO.
-
- How is Chomsky to be portrayed in NRO?
- a) A crazed and demented self-hating Jew.
- b) The most published scholar of the 20th century.
- c) A freak whose writtings must be quoted out of context
whenever you must demean him and his ideas.
- d) A guy with a very limited understanding of world affairs.
- e) Unamerican.
- f) All of the above except b).
-
- How are you to refer to people like Gore Vidal, Edward
Said, or Robert Fisk in your columns?
- a) Never refer to them because they are too smart and
educated for you.
- b) Only attack them personally without ever debating
the points they have raised.
- c) Simply try not to mention them because we do not want
our readers to look up their work.
- d) Call them demented liars without going into too much
detail if you must discuss their work.
- e) All of the above.
-
- Identify the people that are always to be portrayed as
evil and demented in NRO:
- a) Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, Jean Chretien, Hitler,
and Fidel Castro.
- b) Marlon Brando, Johnny Depp, Sean Penn, and Mel Gibson.
- c) The Pope, Gandhi, and the Dalai Lama.
- d) Anyone who criticizes Israel.
- e) All of the above.
-
- Identify the people that are always to be portrayed as
luminaries in NRO:
- a) Pipes, Wolfie, Feith, and the rest of the gang.
- b) Your colleagues such as Frum and Ledeen.
- c) The whole Israeli rightwing bunch and especially our
buddies Arik and Benjy.
- d) Any US politician who says something good about Israel
and always votes in our favor.
- e) All of the above.
-
- What is our unconditional defense of the Likud all about?
- a) Facilitating a huge land grab operation implemented
by a bunch of communists turned terrorists who managed to become great
and legitimate statesmen since their buddies bought out the US congress
and all the mainstream media outlets in the US.
- b) Huge subsidies and never to be repaid loan garantees
courtesy of the US taxpayers.
- c) Many bonuses for the gang at NRO.
- d) Many luxury trips to Israel for the gang at NRO (Wait
till you see how nice the eager beaver Shiksas they bring in from Eastern
Europe become after their passports are confiscated by Israeli pimps).
- e) None of the above.
-
- What is the significance of the US to Likudniks:
- a) Controlled sheeple keeping the Israeli economy going
and the IDF well fed and very well armed.
- b) An invasion force that is just a phone call away.
- c) Our ticket to a Greater Israel and the rebuilding
of the temple to officially begin the mass slaughter of animals as sacrifices
to our tribal god Yahoo.
- d) A government under their control.
- e) A UN veto whenever they want it.
- f) A mainstream media that never criticizes us and never
discusses what has really been done to the Palestinians over the last 50
years.
- g) All of the above.
-
- In reality, President Bush is:
- a) A puppet with a very short attention span.
- b) A really obedient guy since he understood what can
be done to him and his dad if he does not walk the line.
- c) Quite responsive to our needs since his first meeting
as President with my good friend Ariel Sharon.
- d) A guy we've had a real hard time making look good
after every time he spoke to the nation on TV.
- e) An illiterate dry drunk that may have to be eliminated
in order to make our great friend Dick Cheney President.
- f) An idiot that can be easily replaced by a Democrat
of our choosing such as Kerry.
- g) All of the above.
-
- Clinton was:
- a) Hard to control in the beginning but really got the
message after Monica and Linda got done with him.
- b) Brought down on his knees when we had finished with
him.
- c) A well intentioned guy with an IQ at least three times
that of Bush.
- d) A pervert and a philanderer.
- e) All of the above except c).
-
- Who was Rachel Corrie:
- a) A stupid tart that would not get out of the way.
- b) An invisible woman whose megaphone suddenly failed.
- c) Someone who was trying to prevent the destruction
of a Palestinian home when she was intentionally run over by an IDF bulldozer
in order to discourage other protesters from coming to Israel and disturbing
our friends.
- d) Someone who needed to be dealt with before she told
her story in the US.
- e) All of the above except c.
-
- What general impression about yourself are you to give
your readers:
- a) A smart heterosexual guy who goes snipe hunting with
his family.
- b) A clean cut guy who has a good grasp of things political
and cultural (just like his mom, the great and brilliant Simone).
- c) A family man deeply concerned about where this country
is headed.
- d) A rabid Zionist mole out to minf the moronic masses
into supporting a very costly and insane foreign policy agenda designed
to deliver the Greater Israel promised to us by Yahoo, the one an only
God.
- e) All of the above except d).
-
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