- Many locals here in North Idaho have been asking why
I didn't file to run for Prosecuting Attorney (that's the same as District
Attorney elsewhere) in the upcoming election. As it is, good ol' Phil
(see <http://www.conspiracypenpal.com/columns/thousands.htm>Thousands
wouldn't believe you, Phil, but don't worry - I do) is running unopposed.
That's the way it often is here in Idaho. There just aren't enough Democrats
living here to fill out all the ballot positions. That's because they
all registered as Republicans years ago, but that's another story.
-
- I could be disingenuous and explain how, if I ran and
won, I would have to demand a recount. I could coyly point out that the
deadline for running as an independent is still way off in the future and
I would hate to peak too soon. I could suggestively remark that lots of
other parties have yet to (and doubtless won't) designate their own candidates
for the position. I could also note that I would not survive my first term,
since I would feel compelled to root out the boundless official corruption
here in Bonner County, which has proven hazardous for those who have attempted
such in the past.
-
- However, the real reason is that now it is official:
I am running for President of the United States. You, loyal follower
of this list, heard it first.
-
- Correctomundo, Sparky. And I am affiliating with that
grand old party known as "Write In." This is necessary in order
for me to maintain my independence, you see. I will refuse all Federal
matching funds. In fact, I will refuse all donations of any sort whatsoever
from individuals and corporations.
- I am refusing all contributions from myself, too, just
to guarantee absolute independence. After all, I'm a lawyer. You know
what they say about lawyers. It's all true. In fact, it's far worse than
you have heard.
-
- This will necessitate a somewhat spartan campaign, of
course. But I expect to overcome the millions to be spent by my opponents
with a brilliant performance at the upcoming debates. They do have to invite
me, don't they? And, Oprah, I'm ready to come on your show and lay out
my platform.
-
- I fully expect my daily briefings by the State Department
to start any day now. A detail of Secret Service agents to serve as my
bodyguards soon should be arriving. Wonder if they will be bringing along
a limo.
-
- I have a friend who assures me he can hack into <http://www.scoop.co.nz/mason/stories/HL0307/S00065.htm>Diebold's
mainframe, so a massive victory on election night is assured.
-
- On my first day in office, I pledge to withdraw all our
troops from wherever they may be, around the world. We'll need them when
I declare war on Canada and Mexico. We're going to take back the Alamo,
see. We'll have a prisoner exchange and trade all the Mexicans in America
for <http://www.fredoneverything.net/index.html>Fred. And the official
language in Canada will become Swahili, which will keep them too busy translating
in search of thought crimes to be any real danger in the future. Ernst
Zundel will be named the new Governor of Canada, just for good measure.
-
- What's more, we will occupy the District of Columbia
and place all criminals there under arrest. If resources permit, we might
even go after some of the criminals who don't wear suits. All congressional
and administrative jobs will be outsourced to Botswana.
-
- All judges and bailiffs immediately will trade jobs.
-
- Political prisoners throughout America will be released.
Those convicted of victimless crimes will be put in charge of America's
media outlets, with those they replace occupying their old jail cells.
All murderers, rapists and child molesters will be shot. The space freed
up will be converted into blimp hangars.
-
- We will solve the Middle East problems forever by transforming
Israel into a giant, self-illuminated glass parking lot.
-
- We will eliminate the income tax and all property and
sales taxes, replacing them with tariffs upon all goods of any sort, made
anywhere except in America. When actual tax money runs out, the government
will shut down until the next cycle.
-
- All welfare recipients will receive pink slips.
-
- We will stock all of America's coastal waters with alligators
from the Florida swamps.
-
- We will prosecute Wal-Mart and Halliburton and seek the
death penalty.
-
- Alan Greenspan will be placed in stocks (the real kind)
on the sidewalk in front of the New York Stock Exchange, which will be
converted to a real stock exchange, limited to the auction of cows and
pigs.
-
- Before the dollar declines any further, we will mandate
its replacement with Monopoly money, the intrinsic value of which is much
higher, simply due to its relative scarcity. All of America's foreign
debts will be paid off with the dollars taken out of circulation.
-
- The Federal Reserve Bank will, of course, be outlawed
(when money is outlawed, only outlaws will have money).
-
- Already, I've got some killer campaign slogans ready
to go:
-
- Better Ed than Dead
- Not Just Another Eddie Two Shoes
- Bring Our Troops Home - Ed, not Ahmed
- Ed - Not a Mass Murderer
- Ed's Checkbook is Balanced
- Higher Ed, not Bush League
- That was Zen, Ed is Tao
- Ed is Wise, Bush Otherwise
- Kerry Out Bush - Elect Ed
- Bush: Chimp off the old Block
- Dubya Trouble ya? Elect Ed
- Dig Ed - Bury Bush
- Got Ed?
-
- I seriously am considering seeking a judicial order for
the exhumation of J. Edgar Hoover to be my running mate just so our ticket
could be the first palindrome in words: Edgar J/J Edgar. Besides, everybody
knows that two Eds are better than one.
-
- New America. An idea whose time has come.
-
- -ed
-
- "I didn't say it would be easy. I just said it
would be the truth."
- - Morpheus
-
- Copyright ©2004, Edgar J. Steele
-
- Forward as you wish. Permission is granted to circulate
- among private individuals and groups, post on all Internet
- sites and publish in full in all not-for-profit publications.
- Contact author for all other rights, which are reserved.
-
-
- http://www.conspiracypenpal.com/columns/electme.htm
|