- "It costs to be stupid. The stupider you are, the
more it costs."
- --Sherrill Brown
-
- The French postmodern philosopher Jean Baudrillard once
said, "Smile and others will smile back." But people don't smile
at me very often, because I hardly ever smile at them. I walk through life
with my lips pressed together like a marshmallow sandwich -- a snack I
am unfortunately well acquainted with.
-
- I don't smile freely, because doing so is a gamble. There
is always a chance that I left my dentures at home. And without my dentures,
an open-mouthed smile makes me look like a cross between Alfred E. Neuman
and a 19th century mental patient.
-
- I had my first tooth extraction when I was 18. A molar
became infected, and because I didn't have any insurance, a root canal
would have been too costly. After that, I decided the best way to save
my teeth would be to avoid the dentist altogether. But one day about 8
years later, I noticed that all of my teeth seemed to hurt simultaneously.
When I returned to the dentist's chair, the news I received was of course
terrible; I had numerous cavities and infections, leaving me with a delightful
choice between multiple root canals (with a total cost approaching ten
grand), or a bunch of extractions. I still didn't have any insurance, and
I didn't qualify for the Oregon Health Plan (which had already stopped
covering dental procedures the previous year), so I told the doc to shoot
me up and start pulling.
-
- Half of my yanked teeth (which numbered 6 in total) had
been unfortunately located in the front of my mouth. The world is spared
a glimpse of my gape-toothed maw by a device I wear called a "flipper."
It's a wad of plastic or some such material with phony teeth glued on it.
I can't eat anything more substantive than oatmeal with the flipper in
my mouth -- on a date, I once tried eating a salad while wearing the damn
thing, and my gums bled for 24 hours. It also robs me of at least 20% of
my oral enunciation (there goes my dream of a career as a news anchor.)
-
- One might assume from this horror story that my efforts
to maintain good dental hygiene throughout my life have been monstrously
negligent. But apart from my misguided decision to avoid the dental chair
for nearly a decade, as well as my overindulgence in sweets as a child,
I have always done everything that we are told to do in this country to
protect our teeth. That is why I blame America for the sorry state of my
disease-riddled maw, and why I demand that she give me back my smile!
-
- Growing up, I ate the typical diet of an American kid
-- i.e., barrels of refined processed foods, tons of dairy, pounds of meat,
and virtually no fruits and vegetables. It was Frosted Flakes for breakfast
(They're Grrrrreat!!!), cheeseburgers and fries for lunch, microwave pizzas
and ice cream for dinner, Cheetos and Fig Newtons for snacks, and buckets
of milk to build strong bones and keep those teeth pearly white!
-
- And did I brush and floss twice a day, and drink glass
after glass of fluoridated water? Yes, and yes! And yet somehow, around
the age of 11 or 12, I noticed the color of my teeth had faded to a disgusting
darkish yellow. I would run my fingers along my gums, and produce a wad
of gunk not dissimilar to creamed corn.
-
- I cannot imagine what my breath must have smelled like
to the few, unfortunate girls I kissed. Luckily for them, I always carried
with me a little canister of Binaca. Without it, they likely would have
upchucked into my mouth.
-
- When I became an adult and learned to eat better, I suspect
that the damage had already been done. Your teeth are fragile commodities,
and no amount of conscientious hygiene or proper diet can undo decades
of abuse. Now I'm maimed for life, and I hold the money-grubbing bastards
in the food industry and FDA directly responsible for this!
-
- If you think I've lost my mind, let me explain. In the
United States, we are taught that the key to good dental health is brushing,
flossing, and drinking fluoridated water. But we are never told the TRUTH,
which is that these habits are totally unnecessary for anyone who eats
an all-natural diet. Residents of non-Western, undeveloped countries such
as Kenya who stick to their native diets suffer from ZERO tooth decay.
-
- Dr. Lendon Smith argued this point in his article, "Nutritional
Supplements, ADD & Children's Health." (From Well Being Journal
Vol. 7, No. 3 ~ May/June 1988)
-
- Smith writes, "...Dr. Weston Price...went around
the world in the 1930s hoping to find the cause of tooth decay. He examined
the teeth of Masai in Kenya, Maoris in New Zealand, Aborigines of Australia,
New Guinea people, North Canadian Indians, Eskimos, and people living in
the isolated valleys of Switzerland. He found these people had decay-free
teeth if they stuck to their native diets. They retained their teeth. Skulls
showed perfect teeth with no crowding and no cavities. (In Western, developed
countries most of us have cavities, and after age 60 about half the population
is edentulous.) Once they had access to sugar and white flour, and they
deviated from their native diet, they developed cavities..." (Link:
http://www.wellbeingjournal.com/add-adhd.htm)
-
- Of course, even if I had known these facts as a youngster,
it would not have made much difference. Like every other child, I ate what
my parents put in front of me, and they, God bless them, only purchased
what was available at the All-American grocery store.
-
- I can only imagine what the toxic cocktails of my youth's
diet did to the rest of my body. Over the years, I will probably write
revised versions of this article, with the word "teeth" replaced
with "kidney," "liver," "heart," "prostate,"
and "brain." But for now, I mourn the loss of my beloved smile,
and demand restitution from the bastards who stole it from me!
-
- I've grown weary of these awful dentures, and require
permanent implants. It is only fair that the FDA and food industry cover
all of my dental bills, past and future. I will be happy to accept their
checks, which they can make payable to, "One Pissed Off and Toothless
American."
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