- When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit,
you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and
exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion
easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion
has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the
sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible
man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if
you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and
smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live
and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til
the end of time!
- But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He
always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise,
somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars,
they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about
a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!
- But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I
want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I
really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created
each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps
a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell
you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize,
something is fucked up.
- Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction,
hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades.
Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best
God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the
résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd
expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and
me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful
ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because
I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it
has to be a man.
- No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this.
So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that
he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit.
Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain
a lot of these bad results.
- So rather than be just another mindless religious robot,
mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the
hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit,
I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could
really count on.
- And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like
that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't
see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper.
Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other
gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I
can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along,
you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need;
heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional
skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not
setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us.
- Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no
miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn,
and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to
compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm
unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't
said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't
pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not
- I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't
you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading
and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a
better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off.
It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend.
- But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different
things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother
was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like
to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know,
the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think
you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything,
but what about the Divine Plan?
- Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made
a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put
it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan
has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something.
Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you
want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little
arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down
shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and fuck up Your Plan?
- And here's something else, another problem you might
have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well,
it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's
God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck
bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me!
Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's
all very confusing.
- So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship
the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to?
Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay?
To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done.
Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple
of things that God was having trouble with.
- For years I asked God to do something about my noisy
neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out
with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball
- So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And
I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to
God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at
about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time
I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe,
the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the
Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles,
it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make
a wish, and enjoy yourself.
- And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral
lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories
for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good
one. Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little
Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big
Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the
way. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from
Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's horses and
all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again."
That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not
one, no God, never was.
- In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God,
may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened?
Everybody's okay? All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little
bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh,
wait, I've got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind.
I'm blind, oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless
Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!
- (Copyright 1999 by George Carlin. Printed without permission.)