 I like old time radio. But better than
the radio shows are the commercials.
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- Let me give you an example of what the
tobacco companies had to say about their products...
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- "LS ... MFT. LS ... MFT. Lucky Strike
means fine tobacco. Yes, Luckies are the great evener. They calm you down
when your nerves are on edge. The pick you up when you're down."
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- Little did they then know (this is an
assumption on my part) exactly how dangerous "greater smoking
pleasure" was to our health. And if they did, it would not have mattered.
Free enterprise and all that, eh?
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- But hey, this is about the old time radio
commercials. It isn't about smoking causing lung cancer, coronary artery
disease, emphysema and early death. Or is it? How many of your friends
and loved ones died due to smoking? I lost every single uncle on both sides
of my family to smoking related illness. One of my uncles developed a serious
lung disease as a kid. As a result, he was left with one half of one lung
in his body. Half a lung!
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- He died of lung cancer later in life.
At age 65. To his dying day he smoked Chesterfield King, even when given
the death sentence. Now *that* kind of 'smoking pleasure' and brand loyalty
should have been a commercial.
-
- I remember so well my uncle Sal coming
over for Sunday dinner at our house. Gramma worked long and hard to make
Sunday dinner. Home made tomato sauce with sausages and ... oy ... anyway,
Uncle Sal would ask me (I was about 8 years old at the time) "Hey,
Jamey (don't you EVER call me that!), hey, Jamey, here's a quarter. Go
out and buy me a pack of Chesterfield Kings!"
-
- However, back to those days of old radio
when smoking a Lucky meant the kind of smoking pleasure that ... uh ...
killed Bogart ... and the great one, John Wayne. Keeping this in mind,
let us begin our journey into radioland and perhaps have a few laughs at
ourselves and "your sponsor!".
-
- Anyway, the above commercial occurred
on the Jack Benny Show, which was sponsored for many years by Luckies.
Whilst auditing my collection of old radio in my car, I was listening to
the Jack Benny Show when that gem was uttered by the announcer after the
tobacco auction. Remember that?
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- You can imagine my excitement. I almost
stopped the car at the nearest store to buy a pack. I was rather hyper
at the time and needed to be 'calmed.' I figured, "What the heck,
this may actually work!"
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- On another show, I heard the following
gem, "Kent Cigarettes are an aid to the digestion."
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- I was shocked beyond comprehension and
*this* time, I really did go out and buy a pack. I also went to the nearest
pizzeria to have a slice. Which led to another slice. Which led to indigestion.
So I had a Kent.
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- I got sick and "Hollered New York!"
-
- So much for that brand. However, I had
not as yet tried Luckies. So, I went out and bought a pack. "So round,
so firm, so fully packed." I had immediate visions of this girl I
used to date. Gloria. WooF! A real packer if I ever saw one but I mean
that in a nice way, eh?
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- She had a caboose which ... never mind.
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- One of the next shows I listened to was
advertising Pall Mall. "Wherever smokers of distinction congregate."
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- I was feeling somewhat undistinguished
at that particular moment so I got me a pack. Totally indistinguishable.
No effect. But it did taste rather good. Same taste as years ago.
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- Not the case in every case. "I'd
walk a mile for a Camel." But that brand doesn't taste nearly as good
as it once did. I supposed that the blend of Turkish and American tobaccos
had changed more toward the American side. Probally.
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- "Call for Philip Mor-eeeeeese!"
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- By this time I was saturated with all
the good things these products lent to my taste buds, not to mention my
lungs, that I just couldn't do the deed. Besides, by this time I was home
and ... well ... coughing up half a lung. And I really hate it when that
happens.
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- However .... and this is critical ...
I was home, listening to a show I could not recall. It might have been
"The FBI in War and Peace." Or is it, "Peace and War?"
It could also have been Gang Busters.
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- Whatever.
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- But this commercial came on just as I
was saying to myself, "Boy my throat is really hurting from trying
all these butts out." So, this guy with a really neat voice comes
on the speakers and says, and this is a direct quote, "Throat Hot?
Smoke Koooools!"
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- Dammit to bloody hell, I was uncontrollable.
I hadda have a throat-soothing Kool because that man made it sound ...
I dunno ... like I had to have a Kool. And besides that, my throat *was*
hot.
-
- So, I donned a leather jacket over my
jammies and threw on a pair of jeans over my droopy drawers and went out
to the local gas station to buy a pack. I made the mistake of buying the
throat cooler that had no filters. That stuff is strong! But I arrived
home and told my wifey of 37 years, "Rosie, I am now going to cool
off my hot throat with these Kools."
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- She threw a towel at me.
-
- I inhaled deeply. Hey, what the heck,
my poet lariat, laureate, Bob Dylan, has smoked Kools for like, decades.
And lookit what his voice sounds like. A little gravelly but ... cool!
-
- Where was I? Oh, yeah. I was inhaling
deeply waiting for the throat cooling experience when suddenly I coughed
up a piece of liver. The one I had for dinner, not my actual liver.
-
- The moral of this story, the moral of
this song, is that one should never smoke, they are all just plain wrong.
These days, tobacco companies cannot advertise on radio or TV. And I object.
Strenuously.
-
- Why? Lookit what is happening to the
economy!. Bad. And all because you can't advertise booze or butts any longer.
This is complete tyranny. It's unconscionable. I now have nothing to laugh
at when the commercials come on. Booze or butts. I think they call that
a little oration. Or izzit alliteration? Who cares, so what? What's innit
for me?
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- How much fun could it be for a guy to
have to listen to feminine itch cream Ads? Or, some darned product which
is advertised by the drug companies. "See your doctor. This product
may be hazardous to lactating mothers (well, hell's bells, that let's me
out) and may cause liver disease for those so inclined. Your doctor may
have to give you a blood test."
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- On and on. On and on. On and on.
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- I suppose for me, the last straw are
those commercials which advertise "girls on vacation ... all the things
they do." And they of course, black out the private parts for fear
of showing things to our kids which they already know and likely, have
tried.
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- I think I shall lobby for the return
of tobacco commercials. At least they did two things. First off, they worked.
Everybody ran right out in their droopy drawers to buy some. And two ...
this is more important, they educated you to the biggest truths that ever
turned out to be lies. But hey, it was all in fun.
-
- I've gone back to smoking - of course.
Had to. All I listen to these days is old time radio. And all those talking
speakers say so many silly but wondrous things about cigarettes that I
just *have* to buy and smoke the stuff.
-
- (cough!)
-
- Sorry. Another piece of lung. This one's
mine.
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- Morty
-
- Jim Mortellaro, AKA, Morty
- Morty@MortysCabin.Net.Net
-
- www.MortysCabin
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