'Reports Of My Death
Are Greatly Exaggerated'
By Osama Bin Ladin
As told to Mark Twain
Exclusive to

Seems I died and nobody told me. The French Intelligence people said I died and then they said I didn't die as soon as a French newspaper revealed my death. Wish somebody would tell me.
I could see death coming. Still can. Any dang fool not caught up in the delusion of his own grandeur can see death standing on the corner or smiling back at him in the reflection of a mirror or window. Can't you?
My nemesis, George Bush doesn't see death. Or pretends he doesn't. I think he is a man who pretends a lot, and other people pretend to believe him. George denies death exists, especially for other people who have to suffer it. LIke that household of eight that got shot in Iraq. Or that girl and her family gunned down. Or the average US or Iraqi soldier. Death is not a planet in GB's solar system but it might surprise him one day. People see the rising sun and assume they'll see another one tomorrow. One day they suddenly discover they were wrong.
I wonder when George forgot I existed? Even more amazing, all those American peoples with their yellow ribbons. What are they thinking now? Do they even bother to think for themselves? Mighty forgiving Christians of them to stop asking George to find the fellow who allegedly took 3,000 American lives. Used to be---in your most popular Hollywood movies--that Americans formed a posse and never stopped chasing bad men. Bonnie & Clyde, Butch & Sundance, and even Al Capone and Manuel Noriega.
Is smoke such a scarce commodity in America that George ran out of it? He threatened me numerous times. Said: "We'll smoke him out." Said that more than once on TV. "We'll smoke him out of his hole." Where's the smoke?
Must be behind those mirrors.
I guess George realized there wasn't much to bomb in Afghanistan. Except mountains. No oil here but lots of mountains. He sent fifty men, fellow Company men, to get me. CIA. I knew some of them. You forgot I used to work for the Company? Anyway, a couple hundred Mossad commandos and Navy Seals would have done the trick. But that was the whole point. Without me, there wouldn't have been any fake video tapes, would there? And without a living Osama--if I had been killed at Tora Bora--- then the fight was half finished.  A dead Osama was no good to them.
What bugs me is they got a fat Persian to play me. I think it might have been Chalabi's cousin. I'm Saudi and they got a Persian actor? What, no tall, skinny Saudis? If your government, with all the money in the world, wants to fake a videotape, one would think they would hire someone who looks and talks like me.
But I suppose all the best fakers-of-videotapes must all be working for, what do you call them? Blogs? Yes, Internet blogs. Or they must be making those independent films. That young fellow, Dylan Avery could probably make a better fake Osama video than the ones I saw on CNN. The Pentagon people haven't even gotten a good fake airplane videotape---not one in all this time!--to offer to you Americans of the Boeing they claimed hit your Pentagon. Once again, they will probably get some fat Persian to play the hijacker and tell everyone it was Hani Hanjour waving from the pilot's window.
As for me and Mo Atta in that so-called "Laughing Hijacker" vidoetape:  I fully expect another videotape showing myself and Jeffrey Dahmer conversing with the Unabomber. Watch for it in early November.
Well, our interview is about up. I enjoyed Huckleberry Finn very much. We read parts of it at ES school in Saudi Arabia. I understand some schools in America still censor it? Mark Twain, we all said, was way ahead of his time.
One day if I'm still alive, I'll get some young journalist up here from Al Jazeera and I'll tell him what little I know about 9-11. Not until I saw Loose Change did I know that American skyscrapers could fall down suddenly just like that. I thought you people made them better than that.
Amateur historian and satirist, Douglas Herman writes for Rense and is the author of The Guns of Dallas.



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