- Seems I died and nobody told me. The French Intelligence
people said I died and then they said I didn't die as soon as a French
newspaper revealed my death. Wish somebody would tell me.
- I could see death coming. Still can. Any dang fool not
caught up in the delusion of his own grandeur can see death standing on
the corner or smiling back at him in the reflection of a mirror or window.
- My nemesis, George Bush doesn't see death. Or pretends
he doesn't. I think he is a man who pretends a lot, and other people pretend
to believe him. George denies death exists, especially for other people
who have to suffer it. LIke that household of eight that got shot in Iraq.
Or that girl and her family gunned down. Or the average US or Iraqi soldier.
Death is not a planet in GB's solar system but it might surprise him one
day. People see the rising sun and assume they'll see another one tomorrow.
One day they suddenly discover they were wrong.
- I wonder when George forgot I existed? Even more amazing,
all those American peoples with their yellow ribbons. What are they thinking
now? Do they even bother to think for themselves? Mighty forgiving Christians
of them to stop asking George to find the fellow who allegedly took 3,000
American lives. Used to be---in your most popular Hollywood movies--that
Americans formed a posse and never stopped chasing bad men. Bonnie &
Clyde, Butch & Sundance, and even Al Capone and Manuel Noriega.
- Is smoke such a scarce commodity in America that George
ran out of it? He threatened me numerous times. Said: "We'll smoke
him out." Said that more than once on TV. "We'll smoke him out
of his hole." Where's the smoke?
- Must be behind those mirrors.
- I guess George realized there wasn't much to bomb in
Afghanistan. Except mountains. No oil here but lots of mountains. He sent
fifty men, fellow Company men, to get me. CIA. I knew some of them. You
forgot I used to work for the Company? Anyway, a couple hundred Mossad
commandos and Navy Seals would have done the trick. But that was the whole
point. Without me, there wouldn't have been any fake video tapes, would
there? And without a living Osama--if I had been killed at Tora Bora---
then the fight was half finished. A dead Osama was no good to them.
- What bugs me is they got a fat Persian to play me. I
think it might have been Chalabi's cousin. I'm Saudi and they got a Persian
actor? What, no tall, skinny Saudis? If your government, with all the money
in the world, wants to fake a videotape, one would think they would hire
someone who looks and talks like me.
- But I suppose all the best fakers-of-videotapes must
all be working for, what do you call them? Blogs? Yes, Internet blogs.
Or they must be making those independent films. That young fellow, Dylan
Avery could probably make a better fake Osama video than the ones I saw
on CNN. The Pentagon people haven't even gotten a good fake airplane videotape---not
one in all this time!--to offer to you Americans of the Boeing they claimed
hit your Pentagon. Once again, they will probably get some fat Persian
to play the hijacker and tell everyone it was Hani Hanjour waving from
the pilot's window.
- As for me and Mo Atta in that so-called "Laughing
Hijacker" vidoetape: I fully expect another videotape showing
myself and Jeffrey Dahmer conversing with the Unabomber. Watch for it in
- Well, our interview is about up. I enjoyed Huckleberry
Finn very much. We read parts of it at ES school in Saudi Arabia. I understand
some schools in America still censor it? Mark Twain, we all said, was way
ahead of his time.
- One day if I'm still alive, I'll get some young journalist
up here from Al Jazeera and I'll tell him what little I know about 9-11.
Not until I saw Loose Change did I know that American skyscrapers could
fall down suddenly just like that. I thought you people made them better
- Amateur historian and satirist, Douglas Herman writes
for Rense and is the author of The Guns of Dallas.