- In a complex and well-coordinated heist, combining speed
and stealth with an uncanny knowledge of automobile security systems, four
tots hotwired a Toyota Land Rover and cruised along fabled Deco Drive in
South Beach Miami. The merry group spent the evening crashing top night
spots and easily eluding waitresses, bartenders and bouncers. Credit
card receipts, obviously signed by one of the tots, showed thousands in
charges for table dances, champagne and limo service. A crayon drawing
left by one of the tots lent conclusive proof of their guilt, according
to local law enforcement officials.
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- A trio of nuns broke into a North Dakota missile site
in a complex and well-coordinated heist, combining speed and stealth with
an uncanny knowledge of USAF security systems. The nuns quickly removed
the nuclear warhead in 20 minutes from the ICBM using a crescent wrench,
car jack and plastic crucifix. A nun's habit and Gideon Bible, inscribed
with the name of one of the nuns, providently found at the crime scene,
indicated conclusive proof of their guilt and the trio was quickly captured.
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- A pair of elderly pensioners swiped two Abrams M1A1 tanks
yesterday and crashed them into the Virginia state capitol after driving
them 150 miles undetected. In a complex and well-coordinated heist,
combining speed and stealth with an uncanny knowledge of US Army security
systems, the senior citizens swiped the tanks from a National Guard armory.
After crashing the tanks into the office building, the pair fled on foot,
eluding hundreds of lawmen. But a dog-eared copy of National Geographic
magazine, found at the crime scene addressed to one of the octogenarians,
lead to the speedy arrest and confinement of the pair.
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- Six autistic kids, ranging in age from 12 to 19, broke
into Fort Knox yesterday and looted billions in gold from the vaults in
a daring daylight raid. The complex, well-coordinated heist, combining
speed and stealth with an uncanny knowledge of the vault's security system,
allowed the kids easy entry. Video cameras, however, caught the six
laughing and joking while entering the open vaults. Unfortunately for the
plotters, an inscribed trophy from the 2001 Special Olympics, along with
a group photograph of the six, was found at the crime site, foiling the
perfect crime.
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- In a complex and well-coordinated heist, combining speed
and stealth with an uncanny knowledge of nuclear submarine security systems,
two teenage lovers who called themselves Romeo and Juliet, stole a Trident
submarine yesterday and enjoyed a brief joyride before sinking the sub
in a suicide pact in 10,000 feet of water. Although no bodies were
recovered, a water-soaked library card found floating on the Pacific
Ocean , belonging to Roy Meoli, age 17, confirmed to law enforcement officials
that the troubled teenage boy was the sole mastermind of the daring heist.
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- A quintet of teenage girls swiped the space shuttle from
its Florida launch pad and buzzed Disneyworld in Orlando yesterday afternoon.
In a complex and well-coordinated heist, combining speed and stealth with
an uncanny knowledge of the shuttle security system, the girls commandeered
the aging spacecraft. Swooping low, they performed several complex
aerobatics, then sped skyward. Flying above Seaworld, they paused
to write the cell phone number of one of their boyfriends in bold,
three hundred-foot letters in the sky. Local police traced the cell phone
number and quickly apprehended the juveniles later at a slumber party,
before charging them with the crime.
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- Several Saudi high school seniors commandeered the aircraft
carrier USS Eisenhower yesterday in a complex and well-coordinated heist,
combining speed and stealth with an uncanny knowledge of Navy security
systems. The teens sailed the ship across the Pacific undetected and then
down to Acapulco for a weekend of binge drinking, while picking up girls
along the way. Navy officials had no prior knowledge of the plan to hijack
the missing aircraft carrier, nor even knew it was missing. But officials
found a charred credit card belonging to one of the thieves on
the flight deck of the carrier proving, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the
hijackers guilt.
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- A quartet of quadriplegics borrowed the SS Queen Mary
yesterday and sailed the ship to San Diego in an elaborate navigational
feat. The foursome commandeered the former luxury liner, usually berthed
at Long Beach California , after attending a weeklong course in sailing.
An instructor at Bob Bligh's Sailing School said the handicapped hijackers
failed the rudiments of sailing and navigation and nearly wrecked a rowboat.
However, law enforcement officials quickly said that failure didn't
necessarily mean that four handicapped men, confined to wheelchairs, couldn't
have piloted a 1000 foot luxury liner usually requiring dozens of officers
and hundreds of trained crewmen. As if to confirm this likely explanation,
an FBI spokesman said investigators found promotional videotapes from Carnival
Cruise Lines, a copy of the movie Titanic, and a Blockbuster membership
card belonging to one of the men in the wheelhouse of the Queen Mary, confirming
the obvious guilt of the four.
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- Nineteen flight school dropouts, in a complex and well-coordinated
heist combining speed and stealth with an uncanny knowledge of our nation's
security systems, commandeered four jumbo jets and flew hundreds of miles
before returning to crash the planes into pre-selected targets. A flight
school instructor said the men performed badly in the simplest of flight
maneuvers in small Cessna airplanes. But local law enforcement officials
quickly claimed the 19 hijackers could easily have performed complex maneuvers
in much larger and more complex Boeing jumbo jets. Video cameras captured
the ringleaders laughing and joking and a charred passport, found at the
scene of the crash indicated, beyond any reasonable doubt, the guilt of
the men.
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- Douglas Herman writes regularly for Rense. Email douglasherman7@yahoo.com
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