- Put the lime in de coconut an call me in da mornin.
- Oh docca, how do I get rid of dis belly ache? Put the
lime in da coconut and drink it all up. Put da lime in da coconut an call
me in da mornin.
- Would that it were that simple. However, our friends
the doctors are not in the mood for such triviality as to recommend the
old fashioned simple ways. I suppose I'm sort of lucky. My doctor of more
than 33 years is, whilst not exactly a modern man, wise in the ways of
naturpathic medicine, has always had the best attitude relative to natural
remedies.
-
- For years my Doc recommended I use garlic, olive erl
(erl is the plu perfect positive intransitive verb/noun meaning "oil"
- stick with me. I got the Mott's) olive erl, plenty of raw veggies and
has practiced vegetarianism for years. In fact, I went the direction of
the Atkins diet to lose weight and lost nearly 30% of my body weight. That'd
be about 78 pounds. I have another 25 minimum pounds to go. And Atkins,
under my doctor's watchful eye, has remodeled my cholesterol ratio to the
best it's ever been.</strong>
-
- Of course, my present diet is a highly modified Atkins.
But I did stick to the letter of the diet for about 3-4 months. During
that time period, I lost about 25% of the weight lost totally on the diet.
I had blood tests monthly. I had all manner of monitoring. And the reason
for this extreme unction on myself, was to avoid two terrible things.
-
- 1) Diabetes
- 2) Death
-
- It was the latter thingie I decided I was not ready for
(never end a proposition in a sentence ... or whatever). I was not ready
for that final insult.
-
- To continue:
- Mankind was not meant to chew veggies. Mankind, in his
present circumstance, is not ready to eat meat either. It ain't good for
you. Well, at least some kinds of meat. Red meat in particular. So I have
dutifully stayed away from beef and other red meats. I eat chicken, turkey
and largely, fish with my raw veggies. I have absolutely no bread, no carbs
in fact at all. At least not in any quantity. I miss a super plate of pasta
con l'agu l'oiglio. That's Sicilian for Pasta with Oil and Garlic. There
goes that stinky garlic again. Now I know why Pepe, my French Bulldoggy,
favors Rosemarie when he snores between us. Pepe used to sleep smack in
between us. Now, he sleeps with his nose under a pillow with his rear
end in my schnots and his kisser in Rosemarie's face.
-
- Guess who gets the toots! Guess who gets the kisses!
Let's just say I don't get the kisses. No, no, no, well it ain't me, Babe.
It ain't me your kissing for, Babe. I'm still trying to determine which
is worser, his toots or my garlic breath. WooF! Mommy!
-
- Back to basics. Atkins is one of the most misunderstood
diets in the world, methinks. They said Atkins would raise bad cholesterol
and lower good cholesterol. Well, just the opposite occurs. There is just
one major drawback to Atkins in the early stages of the diet, when the
diet is very low residue. That would be the extreme necessity to eat stool
softeners.
-
- Once you get through the early 3-4 month Atkins diet,
you get to eat veggies and fruit, always going easy in the beginning. After
a while, I stopped with the fats such as mayonaise and went with mainly
fish and fowl for my protein with veggies eaten raw as much as possible.
This avoids having to absorb the sugars in the vegetables which are more
easily available when the veggies are cooked. And it virtually eliminates
the need for eating a bottle of stool softeners every hour on the hour.
There is nothing worse than not having stool softeners in this first stage.
-
- Morty was at his present weight when he married on the
Ides of March, 1969. Wait! I lied. I was two pounds heavier. My goal? To
get down to 175 pounds by the end of the year. Rosie keeps on repeating,
"Yeah, but will you keep it off?" And my answer is a most
sincere, "No way I'll ever be fat again! Never!" And I mean it.
-
- Now how does Atkins work? Well, that's up to the Docs
to explain. All I know is, it works and it is good for my cholesterol balance.
The second down side is how much I miss a plate of pasta. And a loaf (yeah,
all my mineself) of Sicilian Italian bread. Crispy with sesame seeds all
round. And loaded with butter. Loaded. It's also great to load it up with
butter and use the bread to then sop up the tomato sauce left on your plate. After
that, it is important to save half a loaf to make a sandwich of meat-a-ball-a's
and Italian (meaning Sicilian) sausages. Also called a hero. 'Cause if
you can manage a pound of pasta with oil and garlic mixed with tomato sauce
with meatballs and Sicilian sausages plus some bones from the cow eaten
prior to eating the pasta ... sauce loaded also with oso boco ... the bones
of the steer with all the marrow left in, and kannock that off and still
have room for Italian (Sicilian) cheesecake, you, Sir or Madam, are a hero.
You are also a fat hero, ready to croak from clogged arteries and other
assorted cardio vascular disease.
-
- I have one relative who, after the poor guy left this
mortal coil, was found on autopsy to be missing an entire cardio vascular
system. It was written up in the Sicilian Hero Magazine and Good Health
Cookbook by the name of, "If you have to croak, do it to death and
mangia, mangia mangia!"
-
- Oh Lord, if You love me, shut my mouth. Which is what
(his name escapes) the guy who played King Tut on the original Batman series
said in his swan song. Little did he know, of course, that the hit record
he cut was to REALLY be his swan song. And the line was fortuitous.
-
- "Lord, if You love me ... shut my mouth." The
Lord did just that. And the closing was permanent. Rest in piece. Sorry,
I meant, "Rest in peace." Oh, and by the bye, the man was Sicilian.
Hah! We sure do get around. And a round. And rounder still. Then we croak.
But you can rest assured that if you croak like a good Sicilian, you do
so with a smile on your face. If not a big, fat, grin. Uncle Toto, the
kneecap X spurt (has been drip) died like that. But he waited until after
desert and Espresso with a dollop of heavy cream and brandy. This man had
class.
-
- In fact, this man was an entire class all by himself.
Took up three seats at our dinner table.
-
- I also recall my gramma, God rest her beautiful soul,
who used to pile my plate high with stuff she made, all the while saying,
"Jamey Boy-a, mangia. MANGIA!" But when the dinner was done and
I began to attempt reaching for my belt so I could loosen it and push my
new self (which had during dinner, gained 30 pounds) she would look at
me and say, and this is the God's honest truth, "Jamey Boy-a, you
gotta go on a diet. You too fat-a!"
-
- Lord, You must've loved me. Because You shut my mouth.
-
- Morty
- Jim Mortellaro,
- AKA, Morty of
- http://www.mortyscabin.net/
- Morty@MortysCabin.net
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