TOP SECRET/ PRESIDENT'S EYES ONLY/TOP SECRET

Introduction of the US President by Nobel Prize Committee Member:

Applause:

I'd like to thank the voters, of both America and the Nobel Peace Prize Commission, and especially those who made this moment possible, for bestowing upon me this high honor.

As a confused young man, of Hawaiian and Kenyan and Indonesian lineage, from the mean streets of Chicago and Harvard, it wasn't easy growing up with a sense of identity. Sometimes, late at night, I'd ask myself: Who am I? And the humble answer came to me in a flash: Not only was I destined to become the next president of the United States but also the community organizer to the rest of the world.

Having a background such as mine, it would have been easy to give up, to never step before a teleprompter or a live audience, to instead bag groceries or greet people with a less-than-sincere smile on my face, like a lot of other down-sized Americans who have lost their jobs and pensions. But I had bigger and better dreams, dreams of my father, dreams not of pitching in the World Series but of pitching in to building a bigger and better new world order, dreams not of sinking the winning putt or of winning the Superbowl, but of winning Super Tuesday, of winning the popular vote, of winning the right to spin optimistic slogans about hope and change and still send thousands of additional American troops overseas on an endless chase for a fugitive who might not even exist anymore, while winning the Nobel Peace Prize for myself and my nation.

So, by essentially bestowing on America this peace prize, I humbly accept it with all the grace and dignity of former American winners, peaceful men like Theodore Roosevelt, who rode up San Juan Hill in Cuba to rid the hemisphere of foreign intruders, and Woodrow Wilson who not only brought American into the First World War and the era of the Federal Reserve but campaigned for the forerunner of the United Nations. Men like Henry Kissinger, who not only oversaw the necessary destruction of several small, Third World countries during the Vietnam War, but also guided several US presidents along the way to do the same in numerous other small, peaceful countries.

Yet, if I compare myself to those great men, I realize my peaceful mission is still far from being accomplished. Nevertheless, I accept this prize for all Americans everywhere, of We The People, of the Founding Fathers, of Martin Luther King and Of Thee I sing, of I Have A Dream, a dream of one day all nations, all races and religions, all people living in peace, not only in Pakistan and Afghanistan, where I've drawn a line in the sand, but of a peace For Which It Stands!

Nor shall we stand it, nor shall we be expected to stand it, until such day we've brought peace to those distant violent lands. Nor should anyone expect us to define exactly what that stand is, nor should anyone question our noble stand, at least not until that distant day in the near future, when we shall all stand here together, where I now stand before the Noble Prize Committee.

For the self-sacrifice we Americans make today, in the name of peace, a stand that sometimes requires tough choices and great expense to those already burdened with great expense, a stand that may seem at first and second glance somehow contradictory, a stand that may seem to some Not peaceful, is the same stand our forefathers and foremothers made at Concord and Lexington and the Alamo. To stand alone together and fight for peace, so that one day we could export that same peace to other countries, at great expense to both.

And so, in closing, I would like to address the skeptics and naysayers: The seeds of hope and change do not spring up over night but require at least eight years of dedication and attention. Like delicate newborn plants, hope and change require tender loving care, and to the daily application of fertilizer. Lots and lots of fertilizer. One could almost say shovels full of the stuff, laid on thick and fast until literally the whole world's covered with it. And so, as you the Nobel Peace Prize Committee, having recognized in me, as both the shoveler and the community organizer to the Free World, I'll see to it the continual widespread use of the stuff.

Thank you.

Applause:

ROUGH DRAFT/ ROUGH DRAFT/ PRESIDENT'S EYES ONLY

This coffee-stained rough draft of a speech was found in a dumpster behind a Georgetown Starbuck's in Washington DC by homeless veteran Herman Douglas.