- The age-old "time-out" technique is not so
effective-and it can even lead to harmful side effects. Author Kimberley
Clayton Blaine explains why parents should put this punishment go-to to
rest for goodand offers some simple steps for a better alternative.
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- San Francisco, CA -- As parents, we've all been
there. When the kicking, screaming, and other tantrum-y behaviors start,
the easy fix is often a threat (or an order) to go to time-out. And chances
are, you picked up this habit from your own parents. But according to parenting
expert and author Kimberley Clayton Blaine, too many time-outs may be ineffective
at best-young children simply don't understand the concept-and downright
harmful at worst.
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- That's right. Kids subjected to repeated time-outs may
develop poor emotion control because they are left alone without support
and validation when they need it most.
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- "Empathy is truly the foundation for effective parenting,
and it is also necessary in creating a stronger bond between parent and
child," she adds. "Time-outs are the antithesis of that."
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- Blaine advocates an alternate method that takes into
account a child's developmental limitations and that serves as guidance
rather than punishment. For children over two, she suggests using a "cool-down"
or "thinking time" instead. Not only is this method gentle, it
keeps the parent by the child's side to help him learn to calm himself
down and think through what happened.
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- (Incidentally, for babies two and under, Blaine recommends
distraction and redirection instead. At this age your baby is simply too
young to understand the concept of a thinking time; instead, give him a
new item of interest or move him to an exciting location.)
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- So, let's assume your child is older than two and you're
ready to kick the old-school habit of time-outs to the curb. The following
steps teach you how to use a cool-down or thinking time successfully:
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- 1.
- Get down at your child's level. Be sure to maintain good
eye contact; give a warning and ask if what she is doing is "okay"
or "not okay."
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- 2.
- If your child doesn't calm down or stop the unacceptable
behavior, then lead him to a "quiet area" or "thinking area."
Sit with him and offer assistance and love. Remember, this is not a punishment.
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- 3.
- Be aware that time is not important-having your child
calm down is. Disregard the "one minute times your child's age"
stance that most use as a guide. Don't give a five-year-old "five
minutes to think"; sometimes the older child needs only a minute or
two to come up with a better solution. On the other hand, a younger child
may need to cuddle or sit with you for ten minutes until she's calm.
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- As you're sitting there, empathize, validate, and reflect
what you see. An understood child is less likely to be fraught.
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- 4.
- Once your child is calm, ask him to tell you "what's
wrong" or "what's going on." Restate the problem again more
clearly if he has difficulty.
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- 5.
- Ask your child, "What will you do differently next
time?" Name the expected behavior if she doesn't know.
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- 6.
- Thank your child for helping you come up with a solution.
It's important that he hears this positive reinforcement.
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- 7.
- Set the expectation for the future by wrapping up with,
"If you don't listen next time, what will happen?" Inform your
child that you will take actions to help and that you will not tolerate
unacceptable behavior.
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- "Responding to your child in a reasonable, calm,
and patient manner is absolutely vital in building a connection,"
says Blaine. "And, after all, connection is the key ingredient in
helping guide our children. Punishment, on the other hand, forces a disconnection
that undermines the goal of helping them someday become independent."
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- _______
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- Note to Editor: For more information on The Go-To Mom's
Parents' Guide to Emotion Coaching Young Children, http://www.mmsend2.com/link.cfm?r=534067194&sid=11345905&m=1160651&u=Rocks
- PR&s=http://www.thegotomom.com/parenting_guide.html
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- Kimberley's book trailer. For more great tips from the
Go-To Mom, http://www.mmsend2.com/link.cfm?r=534067194&sid=11345906&m=1160651
- &u=RocksPR&s=http://www.thegotomom.com/psa.htm
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- About the Author:
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- Kimberley Clayton Blaine, MA, MFT, is the executive producer
of the online parenting show www.TheGoToMom.TV and author of The Go-To
Mom's Parents' Guide to Emotion Coaching Young Children and The Internet
Mommy.
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