Epidemic of National Erectile Dysfunction Strikes America! Experts
Point to Putin as Culprit in Incurable Disease.
What Is Putinitis?
Do you find yourself not only questioning authority, but pitying all
those who do not? Do you drive down the freeway, feeling surrounded
by sociopaths on cellphones, most of them madly tweeting and texting,
while trying to wreck your car? Do you suspect that ISIS is a state-sponsored
bogeyman, but less a threat to you and your car than these soccer moms
and texting teens intent on killing you between texts? Do you
feel uneasy walking around in those big box super stores, surrounded
by incredibly obese people and their porculent kids, wondering how long
America can survive in a high fructose, gluten-free world amid a tidal
wave of skinny immigrants with brand new EBT cards? Do you suspect the
New England Patriots are backed by The Illuminati, the same people who
cleverly passed the PATRIOT Act at the exact same time in 2001, and
awarded the aptly-named Patriots the first of many Super Bowls?
If you, or someone like you, suffers from these symptoms, you may already
have Putinitis.
What is Putinitis, exactly? Scientists, most of them political scientists,
media pundits and Pentagon spokespersons, say that Putinitis is a combination
of psoriasis, erectile dysfunction and mental retardation caused principally
by uncontrolled belief in conspiracy theories. They point to President
Putin--known as Darth Putin to the entire free world encompassing the
District of Columbia, Langley and lower Manhattan--as the root cause.
These experts point to a dangerous trend, especially in flyover country
west of Sandy Hook and east of Bundy Ranch, spreading across the land.
What is this dangerous trend, you ask?
Whenever the official version of any terrorist event is reported by
the benevolent US government, and faithfully parroted by the courageous
American mainstream media within mere seconds of occurrence, an increasing
number of otherwise intelligent people become infected with skepticism.
This skepticism is the first dangerous sign of Putinitis.
Putinitis Strikes Without Warning
Usually victims succumb to this incurable mental disease within 24 hours.
Sometimes the victims fall ill immediately after exposure to a five
minute James Corbett video on YouTube or after viewing Google Images
of some spectacular terrorist event, like the Boston Marathon Bombing,
Sandy Hook Shooting or the Shanksville airplane crash site.
Suddenly the victim is spouting drivel, questioning prestigious, peer-reviewed
scientific organizations. Some victims have even been known to
question the august findings of the National Institute of Standards
& Technology (NIST) and the BBC, over something as trivial as the
collapse of WTC Building 7.
The victim suffering from advanced Putinitis may spout some fact-based
inanity, lifted directly from the Internet, undoubtedly influenced by
conspiracy theorists like Wolfgang Halbig, Paul Craig Roberts or Ron
Paul. Quoting something as antiquated and meaningless as the US Constitution,
the victim tends to ramble on about the curtailment of individual rights,
false flags and war crimes.
Following a period of high fever, pretending to be patriotic rage, the
victim of Putinitis will spout some absurd statements like the First,
Second or even Fourth Amendment. The poor, deluded person may
even indicate a compulsion to join the Oathkeepers or express a moronic
desire to go visit a coin store or gun shop or spend endless hours on
websites like Rense, STR or Zerohedge.
Following a period of quiet reflection, or confinement, the victim realizes
that all his friends and family consider him to be clinically insane.
Normally the virus spreads, especially with continued exposure to websites
unafraid to put Putin under the microscope. Then the sickness goes viral
and victims may exhibit the worst phase of all: National Erectile Dysfunction!
What is NED? What is this most horrible symptom?
NED in not dead but a symptom sweeping our country worse than death
itself. NED is when the electorate becomes flaccid, limp and unable
to perform. When the citizenry fails to get up for external stimulus,
when phrases like “Weapons of Mass Destruction” and the “New Hitler”
fail to arouse the masses, when even performance drugs like FOX News
may fail to arouse Joe Sixpack or Hillary Housewife at times.
Pocket rocket scientists at NASA say that NED indicates the fatal phase
where President Putin of Russia becomes more Believable, Brave &
Trustworthy to the victim, more believable than the beloved American
President, more believable than the ethical US intelligence agencies
and more trustworthy than the entire mainstream media.
Suddenly the victim is Rootin’ for Putin. Not only does the poor, diseased
madman think that Vladimir Putin has some legitimate grievances--much
like the victim himself--but that everything his own National Erect
Government (NEG) has been telling him for 50 years or more is One Great
Big Fat Lie. Putin becomes almost a sort of savior.
Putinitis: The Enemy of My Enemy Is My Friend
Suddenly the victim succumbs to outright madness. His patriotism suffers
from erectile dysfunction. No amount of flag-waving, football or beer
commercials can convince him that America is still the Land-of-the-Free-and-Home-of-the
Brave. Some victims even claim Trump AND Putin are beginning to
make a lot more sense!
For victims of Putinitis, sadly, the only known cure is elimination.
Not only elimination of the victims but elimination of Putin, the World
Wide Web and the Constitution too. To fully eradicate the spread of
Putinitis, everything unsavory must go.
Gold bugs, gun nuts, preppers, whistleblowers and conspiracy theorists
must go. And all those gun-wielding terrorists at Bundy Ranch would
have to go too, having terrified our freedom fighters in Washington
DC. Only then will America be safe again for the little children and
refugees everywhere.
|