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- The first candidate!
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- Already, the first candidate for the
1999 Darwin Awards is circulating on the Net. The Darwin Awards are annually
bestowed upon (the remains of) individuals who have given their all in
an effort to improve our gene pool. The Darwin Awards applaud those who
have made the ultimate sacrifice of killing themselves by the most extraordinarily
stupid means.
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- The Awards commemorate those who find
innovatively moronic ways of killing themselves, thereby helping to eliminate
undesirable weaknesses from the human gene pool. And so, without further
ado, the first candidate for '99:
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- MAN DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT
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- CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. (Nov. 13) -- A 39-year-old
Charlottesville man died
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- Thursday in a freak accident involving
his washing machine. According to police reports, Samuel Randolph Strickson
was doing laundry when he tried
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- to speed up the process. Strickson apparently
tried to stuff approximately 50 pounds of laundry into his washing machine
by climbing on top of the washer and attempting to force the clothing into
the basin.
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- Strickson then apparently accidentally
kicked the washing machine's ON button. When the machine turned on, Strickson
lost his balance and both feet went down into the machine, where they got
stuck. The machine started its cycle, and Strickson, unable to free himself,
started thrashing around as the machine's agitator went into gear. Strickson's
head banged against a nearby shelf in the laundry room, knocking over a
bottle of bleach, which poured over Strickson's face, blinding him. Forensic
reports say Strickson apparently also swallowed some of the bleach. He
then vomited, but was still unable to free himself. Strickson's dog, then
apparently came into the laundry room. At about the same time, according
to police, a large box of baking soda fell from the shelf, startling the
dog, who then urinated. Urine, like vinegar, is acidic, and the chemical
reaction between the urine and the baking soda resulted in a small explosion,"
according to police reports. The dog, however, escaped unharmed. Strickson
remained stuck in the washing machine, which eventually went into its high-speed
spin cycle, spinning Strickson round at about 70 miles per hour, according
to forensic experts. Strickson's head then smashed against a steel beam
behind the washing machine, immediately killing him. A neighbor heard
the commotion
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- and called 911, but Strickson was pronounced
dead at the scene.
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- GRAVITY KILLS
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- A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead
yesterday after he tried to use Occy straps (the stretchy little ropes
with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle,
police said. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot,
anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ...
and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators
think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length
of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between
the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent
cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled
for later in the week.
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- THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU .
. .
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- Not much was given to me on this unlucky
fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from
Korea who was killed by his cell phone ..more or less. He was doing the
usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed
to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide
to drive and dial at the same time.
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- GIMME A LIGHT!
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- Several years ago, in a west Texas town,
employees in a medium-sized Warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak.
Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential
sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated,
two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the
building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their
frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision
of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object
that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the
gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually Untouched
by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion
had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
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- Runner-Up:
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- Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found
himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock
African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia,
Demuth went over board to show them one of America's many marvels. He
demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue" ... the hard way.
Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was,
so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and
jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident
of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it
has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However,
once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began
to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended
passenger. "Sally (the rhino) hasn't been feeling well lately. She
had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants
to relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank," said
James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed,
a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during
the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As
for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours
to remove his hands from the rhino's buttocks. First, the animal had to
be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives
began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons
of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while
at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I
guess you could say that Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was
under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air
passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply
a solvent to remove his hands from her rear, " said Douglass. "I
don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while." meanwhile,
the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power
of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course
they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader
of the troupe.
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