-
- Yes, the long wait is over. The 1999 Darwin Awards are
officially here.
-
- For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware
of the Darwin Awards; these awards are given annually (and posthumously)
to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing
themselves from it.
-
- Grand Prize Winner GRAVITY KILLS
-
- A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after
he tried to use 'occy' straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on
each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said.
Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a
bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored
the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, then jumped... and
hit the pavement!
-
- Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators
think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length
of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between
the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent
cause of death was "major trauma."
-
- An autopsy was scheduled for later in the week.
-
-
- -------==========**********O**********==========---------
-
- 2nd Prize Winner DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST
MIGHT
-
- A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in
Texas when a lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats immediately
headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. On the rear of his
aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his
arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME
HAVE IT!"
-
- Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers
on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.
-
- -------==========**********O**********==========---------
-
- 3rd Prize Winner CATCH
-
- A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal
you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems
he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what
happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was
hospitalized.
-
- -------==========**********O**********==========---------
-
- 4th Prize Winner THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
-
- Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but
he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who
was killed by his cell phone ... more or less. He was doing the usual
"walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed
to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide
to drive and dial at the same time.
-
- -------==========**********O**********==========---------
-
- 5th Prize Winner GIMME A LIGHT
-
- In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse
noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc.
-
- After the building had been evacuated, two technicians
from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they
found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration,
none of the lights worked.
-
- Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians
reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter.
Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded,
sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
-
- Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter
was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected
of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright"
by his peers.
-
- -------==========**********O**********==========---------
-
- RUNNER UP (Didn't kill himself - but came very close)
-
- A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult
position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo)
with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went
overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated
the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"... the hard way.
-
- Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how
good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the
palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing
rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was
not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since
its arrival as a baby.
-
- However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily
stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area
wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger.
-
- "Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately.
She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some
depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr. Demuth played his juvenile prank,"
said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were
destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped.
Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped
to death.
-
- As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers'
to remove his hands from her buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured
and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take
hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino
diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the
same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess
you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was
under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air
passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply
a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I
don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while."
-
- Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also
were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy
some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo,"
commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
|