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- Soulmate: It's the new buzzword in the world of solitary
singles looking for a partner.
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- You see it in their personal ads and you hear it when
they talk about finding someone special.
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- "I'm looking for a soulmate!" they say earnestly,
obviously meaning that nothing less than the absolutely perfect mental,
physical and spiritual personal partner will do.
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- Whatever happened to "must be single, available
and interested in a long-term relationship or marriage"?
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- It seems that despite complaining that they can't seem
to meet anyone these days, singles are actually getting pickier about
the requirements in a mate.
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- Single women want a tall, fit, handsome hunk who's also
rich, successful, stylish, kind, sensitive and has a sense of humour, although
they'll claim all they want is a man who's pleasant and employed.
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- Guys want a woman who's tall, slim, blonde, beautiful,
busty, and not-overly-intelligent, although, let's face it, blonde, beautiful
and busty will do for most of them and they'll admit that quite openly.
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- The fact that most of the population doesn't fit into
either category may go a long way to explain why so many singles can't
find a partner these days.
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- But now there's a new requirement -- a soulmate.
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- And it bothers me.
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- Not just because looking for a soulmate is very difficult
and close to impossible (although some do manage it), but also because
I'm not convinced a soulmate is actually the best choice for a lifetime
partner.
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- Which probably sounds like heresy to those who are adamant
that finding that one very special person is the answer to their life's
dreams.
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- SAME WAVELENGTH
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- But what exactly is a soulmate?
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- Basically, it's someone who's on the same mental and
physical wavelength and who shares the same outlook on life as you do.
A soulmate often likes the same food, music, books and general style as
you. They have the same sense of humour and spiritual beliefs and are so
tuned into you they seem to know what you're thinking before you do yourself.
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- You get along so well you become "as one,"
bonded tighter than Crazy Glue.
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- So why don't I think it works?
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- First, let me say that I do know what I'm talking about.
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- One of my multiple marriages was to my soulmate. We were
like mental mirror images of each other. I honestly thought this would
be a better route to lasting happiness than the usual male/female opposite,
often competitive, pairing.
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- I was wrong -- it didn't work. What's more, I'm beginning
to hear of quite a number of "soulmate" relationships that aren't
working or have broken up.
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- Why you might ask? Surely once you've found your soulmate,
you've found the perfect partner.
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- Well, yes and no.
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- Yes, it would seem the perfect partner for someone is
one who shares the same lifestyle, thoughts and beliefs, someone you get
so intimate with that you almost become them.
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- But, conversely, I've found a serious problem with that.
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- By looking for a "soulmate," I believe -- whether
they realize it or not-- that what women are really looking for is a male
girlfriend and what men are looking for is a female buddy.
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- Generally speaking, close friends and buddies aren't
the one's you want a sexual relationship with; you just want their friendship
and their emotional support.
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- The problem is when you bond in a brother/sister/bosom
friend way, the sexual side of a relationship can feel wrong and die off.
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- MORE INTIMATE
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- I know there are probably lots of people married to or
living with their "best friend" and having a wonderful sexual
relationship.
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- And I'm sure there are those living with a soulmate who
have a great sex life.
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- But the very definition of a "soulmate" is
quite different from a "best friend."
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- It's more intimate and goes deeper into the psyche.
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- Most people who live with the mate they call their "best
friend" still maintain their personal identities and especially their
gender's traits. Men stay men (with all their faults)and women stay women
(with all their faults). Both want it that way and so they should. That's
the way hetereosexual relationships are meant to be.
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- Most people don't want to blend totally with someone
else as some kind of androgynous human unit.
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- You may want a soulmate as a reflection of yourself and
your ideals, but sometimes it's better -- and perhaps more normal -- to
be with someone who presents the alternative view of life and the sexes.
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- I know one thing: If it comes down to sex vs. friendship,
as it can in a relationship that's become "too close," I'd far
rather have a sex mate than a soulmate. ________
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- More columns by Valerie Gibson <http://www.canoe.ca/CNEWSLife9908/CNEWSLife/gibson.html
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